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Babble-On WB, or Babyloniacs95

© 1995 by Tom Smith

(Darkness. Sunrise breaks across the edge of the Warner Water Tower.)

YAKKO: (v.o.) The Babbling-On Project was our last, best hope for peace.
WAKKO: Pizza!?
YAKKO: Later. A water tower five miles long... well, actually, fifty feet high, but aren't these perspective shots great?

(Incredibly fast camera motion down to the base of the Tower, long, l-o-n-g perspective wide-angle, then hard fast zoom up into Yakko's left nostril.)

YAKKO: Hey, come on! I'm trying to be dramatic here.
DOT: Let us know how it works out.
YAKKO: It was the dawn of the Third Age of Toonkind... the year the Turner War came upon us all.

(Stock footage of Betty Boop and Koko the Clown, cringing in terror as they are painfully colorized.)

YAKKO: The year is 1995. The name of the place... is Babbling-On Forever.
WAKKO: Shouldn't we save that name for the third movie?
YAKKO: Only if we replace Bruce Boxleitner with Val Kilmer.
DOT: He's so cu-u-ute!

ALL: (singing) It's time for Bab-y-lo-ni-acs!
Science Fiction to the max!
WAKKO: Someone wrote this song before --
YAKKO: Might as well do it once more --
ALL: We're Bab-y-lo-ni-acs!

Tonight's episode: "The Long Struggle with the Enquirer,"
or "A Night Falls In Brooklyn"

(Captain's office. Yakko, Wakko, and Dot sit around a table playing a card game.)

YAKKO: I bid two purple.
WAKKO: Two green.
DOT: Two no scarf.

(Following shot of well-reverbed boots and a walking-stick. The boots stop in the doorway of the Captain's office.)

VOICE: 'Ollo, mon.

(Captain's office. All look up in surprise.)

VOICE: Is dis de office of Cap'n Yakko Sheridan?
YAKKO: It isn't the Satellite of Love. Who're you?
VOICE: I will ask de questions 'ere.

(Starting at boots, pan up to see a Victorian Englishman... with the head of a Disney shellfish.)

SEBASTIAN: I am... Sebastian.
YAKKO: That wacky Smith. Always riding the ragged edge of Michael Eisner's legal team.
SEBASTIAN: De Vorlons 'ave sent me. I am... an Enquirer.
WAKKO: I can see that. You're not as garish as the Weekly World News.
SEBASTIAN: No! ... I am 'ere to test your worthiness.

(Y, W & D as accountants going over their records.)

YAKKO: Well, let's see. After the last renegotiation, and taking into account audio-video royalties and ancillary licensing...
SEBASTIAN: NOOO! I am here to ask: Who are you?
DOT: ... Dorothy, the Small and Meek?
SEBASTIAN: Insufficient answer.
DOT: Well, take it up with my birth certificate.

(She whips out her B.C., with an adorable photo at age .02 and the words "Name: Dorothy Warner; Size: Small; Temperament: Meek".)

SEBASTIAN: (examining certificate) Saaay. You're really cute in dot one. (does a take) Hey! Dot's not what I meant!
DOT: But Dot's what you said!
YAKKO: Ohh, no, you don't. We're not gonna do any more cheap accent jokes than we have to. As to who we are... Captain Yakko Sheridan, at your service.
WAKKO: Mister Wakkobaldi, on your tail. (He stands on the tail of Sebastian's suitcoat, flipping him
backwards onto his shellfishy butt.)
DOT: (throws herself into his arms) And I'm Commander Ih-Dotti-va... in your dreams.
SEBASTIAN: Shoo! Shoo! Get away!
YAKKO: (clicks comlink) Dr. Franklinstiff, could you get down here, please?
DOC: (v.o.) Zhuure, Kap-tin. Vhat do you haff forh me?
YAKKO: I think an entree.

(Ralph the Guard appears in the doorway. He has a black
arm band.)

RALPH: Daaa... Cap'n, uhh, the, uh, Centauri ambassador, Lobe-Oh Mole-Nearly, an' his attach-ee, Veer Left, are here to see ya.
WAKKO: Fort Attach-ee: The Bronx?
YAKKO: Close enough to Brooklyn for me. Send 'em in, Zack.
RALPH: Daaa... okay.
DOT: Zack, are you wearing that black arm band because you're part of that creepy Night Watch program that Earthdome has started?
RALPH: Ohh, no, I'm wearin' dis because of dey cancelled My So-Called Life.
DOT: Given your so-called life, I'm not surprised.

(In come Pinky and The Brain, both stunning in purple and bad hair.)

BRAIN: Captain Sheridan, as ruler of the Centauri Empire --
YAKKO: Wait a minute, Lobe-oh! When did that happen? Last episode, you were just an ambassador!
BRAIN: I was able to leverage a buyout of the Centauri throne through sales of my Country-Western single.
WAKKO: But that's another story.
PINKY: Poit! Yes, the Ambassador is now the Official Supreme Majestic All-Powerful I-Get-Cuts-In-Line Head Honcho of Centauri Prime! ZORT!
YAKKO: Could you repeat that?
BRAIN: Not without hurting himself.
SEBASTIAN: Excuse me, but I am on official Vorlon business 'ere.
BRAIN: (to Pinky, sotto voce) Vorlon business! Veer, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
PINKY: I think so, Brain, but... will Cheez Whiz even stick to an Encounter Suit?
BRAIN: The Vorlons, Veer! They have their own agenda, their own plans! No one really knows what they want, or why!
PINKY: Maybe after it's toasted, and starts melting into those vent-acle thingies... NARF!
BRAIN: Pay attention, Veer! We shall capture this... Enquirer, and in return for his release the Vorlons shall tell us everything we need to know to conquer the universe!
WAKKO: Hey! I thought you just wanted to conquer the world!
BRAIN: Think of it as inflation on a grander scale.
YAKKO: Ohhh! Kinda like the Macy's Parade, only dark and evil and icky.
DOT: Why am I suddenly thinking Rush Limbaugh?
PINKY: Egad, Brain, it's brilliant! Oh... no... wait. How will we capture him?
BRAIN: He's a soft-shell crab, Veer. I'm confident in our ability to overpower him.

(The tip of the walking-stick slams down between them, zapping both of them with 100 zillion terrawatts.)

BRAIN: (charred) On the other hand, there's a lot to be said for going down to Medlab and renewing
a long and cherished acquaintance with Bactine.
PINKY: (ditto) Naaaarf.

(Both plop to the floor.)

SEBASTIAN: Now. Can we get on wit dis?
WAKKO: (on Sebastian's shoulders and in his face) How come you didn't become Mighty Thor?
SEBASTIAN: Look, mon, I'm pretty peeved already! You don't want to see me become mighty sore!
WAKKO: No, no! Mighty Thor! Like this!

(Wakko grabs the walking-stick, strikes it against the
ground, and is instantly transformed into Thor.)

WAKKO: (singing) -- The God of Thunder, Mi-i-i-ighty Tho-o-or!
SEBASTIAN: Yi-i-i-i!!
DOT: Charter member of FOOM.
SEBASTIAN: Fine! You win! You pass de Enquiry! You is definitely de right people... (shakes Yakko's hand) in de right place... (gets the heck out of there) at de right time!

(He slams the WB logo door shut, then leaps down to the ground.)

SEBASTIAN: And dot is -in- dere, on Earth, and far, far away from Babble-On Forever. (chuckles) Dey can play all dey want, but it's only a water tower.

(Suddenly the ground rumbles. Smoke billows around the base of the water tower, fins pop from the sides of the tank section, the tower legs fall away like gantries, and, with an impressive blast of flame, the Warner Water Tower thunders into space.)

SEBASTIAN: Ohh, mon. We're in for it now.

(Just outside Earth orbit, The Water Tower opens a jumpgate and vanishes into it.)

(Inside the Tower. Y, W & D staring out a window.)

DOT: Why do we have a window in a spaceship?
WAKKO: So we can roll it down, of course.

(Wakko takes hold of the top edge of the window, rolls it off the wall into a tube as if it was a Colorform, and tucks it into his pocket.)

WAKKO: So now what?
DOT: (offering to link arms with them) To Z'Ha'Dum?

(Y & W link arms with Dot)

YAKKO: To Z'Ha'Dum.

(The Water Tower burns a vapor trail through space, and the Warners follow, dancing along on the crushed ions.)

ALL: (singing) We're... off to kill the Shadows,
'Cause everyone knows that they're bad!
If you've lived long, you know this song
From the Musical Star Wars in MAD!
YAKKO: Joe Michael Straczynski has got a plan --
DOT: It's really grand!
WAKKO: I'm his biggest fan!
ALL: And so far he's got two years in the ca-a-an --
With three more to go, can this wait we stand?
YAKKO: ... That didn't work, but it scanned.
ALL: We're off to kill the Shadows,
And watch some more Babylon Fi-i-ive!


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