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Iron Chef Human

© 2001 by Tom Smith

(Gentle, koto-like music.)

KAGA

If memory serves me right, my Kitchen Stadium has hosted chefs from every culinary tradition known to man… that is, except one. Today’s challenger is a master of that forbidden cuisine.

(Dramatic strings & gong.)

Now, Hannibal Lecter! Use your skills and eat only the rude!

(Swell of Iron Chef-like intro music.)

KAGA

Dr. Lecter, welcome.

LECTER

A pleasure, Kaga. Love your suit.

KAGA

So, Dr. Lecter, who will it be?

LECTER

I choose Mr. Sakai.

(sound of ripping flesh)

SAKAI

Aiee!

KAGA

To challenge, Dr. Lecter.

LECTER

Oh. Of course. Mr. Kobe.

FUKUI

Iron Chef Italian Masahiko Kobe, one of the most innovative young chefs in all Japan, but will his innovation be enough against a chef who has gotten rave reviews from people being fed their own brains?

KAGA

Now, we unveil the ingredient!

(Choral orchestra hit, random bleating)

KAGA

Lamb!

LECTER

Oh, goody.

FUKUI

And lamb giving a distinct advantage to Dr. Lecter, who has made something of a hobby of it.

OTA

Squeeze On?

FUKUI

That’s Fukui-San and you know it. You always say it too fast.

OTA

I know. I just love saying Squeeze On. Anyway, you are correct, I asked Dr. Lecter about his passion for lamb, and he says it came from his girlfriend.

FUKUI

Thanks for that, Ota, and we’re just about to begin.

KAGA

Allez Cuisine!

FUKUI

And Dr. Lecter’s going right for the fava beans and Chianti.

BEJOSHINME (really wimpy, officious voice)

A timeless classic.

FUKUI

As always, I’m joined by Dr. Yugata Bejoshinme.

BEJOSHINME

A pleasure.

FUKUI

And our Bimbo Du Jour, Jeni Tailia.

JENI (giggly)

What was that?

FUKUI

Bimbo Du- B.D.J.

JENI

Oh. Oh! B...what’s the D stand for?

FUKUI (rolling his eyes)

… Your grade, my dear.

JENI (shy smile)

Thanks. Everyone says I am great at that.

BEJOSHINME

I’m feeling a little D-graded right now.

OTA

Squeeze On!

FUKUI

Yes, Ota!

OTA

For the past few minutes, Dr. Lecter has been simmering a broth with parsley, sage, and rosemary, probably for a marinade or infusion of some sort and possibly to set up a really bad Simon & Garfunkel pun, while his personal assistant has been making steamed meatballs.

LECTER

Have the lambs stopped steaming, Clarice?

FUKUI

Okay! And, on the other side, the Iron Chef is sculpting small replicas of lambs out of ground lamb meat, and… making ridges in them with a fork.

OTA

Squeeze On!

FUKUI

Go, big fella!

OTA

I asked Iron Chef Kobe what he called this dish, and he said, “I shall call them… Mini-Meat!”

JENI

Ohhh! That explains the ridges he’s making!

FUKUI

It does!?

JENI

Uh-huh! You see? They’re groovy!

STADIUM ANNOUNCER

Thirty minutes have elapsed.

FUKUI

And, at the halfway point, Iron Chef Kobe is kicking it up a notch.

EMERIL

Hey, HEY! That’s my line! BAM!

(a loud, nasty smack)

FUKUI

Ow!

EMERIL

And one for Jeni and the wimp! BAM!

(another loud, nasty smack)

JENI

Owww!

(yet another loud, nasty smack)

BEJOSHINME

Oh!

OTA

Squeeze On!

FUKUI (shaken)

Wh- what is it, Ota?

OTA

I asked the Iron Chef what he thought about Chef Emeril Lagasse smacking the panel upside the head, and he said, “It’s been a long time coming, you guys distract the hell out of us with your constant jabbering,” and then he said, “Hey Emeril, over here, you missed one –“

EMERIL

BAM!

(one last loud, nasty smack)

OTA

Oww! Hey!

FUKUI

So, Ota joining in the fun, and what’s Dr. Lecter doing now?

BEJOSHINME

He seems to be slicing up the brain of the late Iron Chef Sakai into medallions.

JENI (pouting)

I can’t get their stuff on Napster any more.

FUKUI

That’s Metallica, you ditz.

BEJOSHINME

Look! Dr. Lecter has been sautéing the brains in Chianti with just a hint of onion and garlic, and now he’s taking the sauté over to the ice cream maker.

FUKUI, BEJOSHINME, JENI

NO! NOT THE ICE CREAM MAKER!

STADIUM ANNOUNCER

Five minutes left.

BEJOSHINME

Is it just me, or are these hours getting shorter every week?

STADIUM ANNOUNCER

Two minutes left.

FUKUI

Yes, Doc, it’s just you. And now Dr. Lecter and the Iron Chef hurrying to finish their dishes, and Iron Chef Kobe has broken out the Daikon radishes.

KOBE

Run, brothers! You are free now!

LECTER

Where were you when I needed you, Kobe?

OTA

Squeeze On?

FUKUI

Ota, go!

OTA

I asked Dr. Lecter if he’d be done in time, and he said, “You rude little man, I’m trying to finish and you’re interrupting me, although now that I think of it, you might be useful for my last –" URK!

FUKUI

Ota! Dr. Lecter – h- he’s --

BEJOSHINME

Oh, that’s gotta hurt.

JENI

Eeuww! I hate it when they take the guts out like that.

STADIUM ANNOUNCER

Ten seconds… five seconds… three… two… one… time is up!

FUKUI

And the Lamb Battle is OVAH!

(Fancy, food-presentation music.)

FUKUI

The challenger has four dishes:

Sheep Chokes – an appetizer with artichoke hearts and lamb tartare. The mellowness of the artichoke harmonizes well with the lamb’s sweetness.

The Soy-Lentils of the Lambs – a stew with lentils, fava beans, lamb meatballs, and edamame soybeans. The mellowness of the lentils and soybeans harmonize well with the lamb’s sweetness.

Kaganaki – in honor of Chairman Kaga, feta cheese, lamb, and annoying announcer Ota Shirohito, flambéed in brandy. The mellowness of – oh, forget it.

Sakai a la mode – ice cream made from lambs’ blood and the sautéed brains of Iron Chef Hiroyuki Sakai, served in Sakai’s own skull.

KAGA

Here, try this.

JENI (ecstatic)

Mmmm. MmMMph!

KAGA (breathing just a bit heavily)

Most excellent. I meant the food.

JENI

Oh! Oh, right.

(A zipper being pulled up.)

BEJOSHINME

I’d have thought that, having his brains sautéed and then turned into ice cream, Sakai would be bitter. But this dish really brings out his sweetness.

JENI

This stew is wonderful. But then, I love meatballs.

FUKUI (impatient)

Y- we got that.

LECTER

Now for something a little… flamboyant.

JENI (anticipatory)

Oh! He’s lighting the brandy!

(FWOOSH of flame)

EVERYBODY

OTA!

JENI

Mmmm… I’ve never tasted anything this good. Oh, Kaga, don’t pout.

BEJOSHINME

I’d have thought that, having his guts ripped out and then flambéed, Ota would be bitter. But this dish really brings out his sweetness.

KOBE

Aiiieee! BANZAI!

FUKUI

Iron Chef Kobe! What are y-

(the drawing and SWACK of a sword.)

BEJOSHINME

AAH!

(WHUMP of something heavy hitting the table and bouncing once.)

FUKUI

And Iron Chef Kobe, stung by the challenger’s success, has BEHEADED Dr. Bejoshinme!

LECTER

Dibs.

KAGA

And now, the verdict.

(Bright, slow, one-note-at-a-time piano music – specifically, Chopsticks.)

FUKUI

An incredible showing by the challenger has driven the Iron Chef to the point of manslaughter. Iron Chef Kobe’s dishes were not even tasted. And yet who could possibly vote for the cannibalistic concoctions of a notorious fictional mass murderer? Who will take it? Whose cuisine reigns supreme?

KAGA

Iron Chef Masahiko Kobe!

CLARICE

Fix!

(Crowd turmoil.)

CLARICE

All right! F.B.I.! Everybody freeze!

FUKUI

Dr. Lecter’s assistant is holding the crowd here in Kitchen Stadium at gunpoint!

(About halfway through the word “Stadium”, doors being slammed.)

FUKUI

Th- they’re barring the doors shut! We’re trapped!

LECTER

Please calm down, everyone. The sad demise of Doctor Bejoshinme has given me an idea. In a few moments we’ll be conducting a mass ritual suicide. I will be your second, cutting off your heads one at a time, and then Clarice will make a lovely saffron broth with the remains.

KAGA

Good God, man! Why?

LECTER

Why, Kaga, haven't you heard? Bouillabaisse are belong to us…

(fade out on a pastiche of All Your Base Are Belong To Us....)

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