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The Long March, Part 1

MSTied by Tom Smith

(Note: This amazing chunk of racism, spurious logic, and political/social blindness was e-mailed to a whole bunch of folks back in September 1995, and showed up in the Usenet group rec.arts.sf.tv.mst3k.misc where virtually everyone in sight claimed "dibs," including yours truly. [I admit that I was new to the group, and did not -- and in fact, still do not -- understand its protocol. It seems a tetch too complex for what it's trying to do.] It was unilaterally decided that a whole bunch of folks would MSTie the thing, send them to one address, and an edited version with the best jokes from all the versions would appear. I sent mine in, and I've been waiting patiently for the final version, asking about it now and then. Nothing. So, in the hopes of offending no one [except hard-core right-wingers], I present my version. Share the pain! Share the laughter!)


-- ((( TWAAAANNG!! )))


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[kreeeeak]
[grohhhnn]
[whoooomm]
[whakkita]
[whakkita]
[whakkita]
[SLAM]
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       (Satellite of Love Desk.  Tom Servo and Crow are
fighting over a piece of candy.)
 
SERVO: MINE, I tell you!  It's MINE!
CROW:  Is not!
SERVO: Is too!
CROW:  Is not!
SERVO: Is too!
CROW:  Is not!
SERVO: Is too!
CROW:  Is too!
SERVO: Is no- HAAAY!
 
       (Mike Nelson enters, S.R.)

MIKE:  That's enough.  Stop it, you two... oh, hi, everyone!
       Welcome to the Satellite of Love.  Tom Servo and Crow, here,
       have just lived through a viewing of Kevin Costner's
       WATERWORLD, and to celebrate they mail-ordered some
       Saltwater Taffy, and (pointedly, at Servo & Crow) were -just-
       about to share it with each other and Gypsy, -right-, guys?
SERVO: It's MINE, I tell you!  -I- knew the address!
CROW:  Oh, yeah?  Well, -I- filled out the envelope!
SERVO: Well, -I- paid for it!
CROW:  Well, -I- licked the stamp!
MIKE:  ... With what!?
CROW:  I have many mysteries, Michael.  (turns away from
       Mike)  Perhaps... someday... you'll understand.
MIKE:  Oh, come on.  This is ridiculous.  There's plenty
       here for all of us.  Why can't you be nice to each
       other just this once?
 
       (yellow lights flash)
 
SERVO: Because we've got commercial sign, that's why!
CROW:  Rampant marketing!
SERVO: Crass commercialism!
CROW:  Disgusting hyperbolie!
SERVO: The finest crap Madison Avenue has to offer!
CROW:  (in announcer voice) A never-ending struggle for
       lies, profit, and The American Way!
MIKE:  Great.  We'll be right back.
SERVO: Crow, you can have some of this.  It's stale.
CROW:  Has it got a toy license?
SERVO: Mutant Morphin Biker Barneys.
CROW:  AAAAAAH!!
 
 
       (Commercials.) 
 
 
       (Satellite of Love Desk.  Crow's mouth is filled with
sticky pink strands, and Servo's head is filled with taffy.
Both are moaning piteously.  Mike is trying to clean off Crow.)
 
MIKE:  ... I -told- you guys you were eating too fast.  Ohhh...
       Crow, this stuff has gummed up your voice box.  You're
       gonna sound like Lloyd Bridges with his mouth jammed full
       of towels until we get you cleaned up.
CROW:  (in garbled Lloyd Bridges voice) Hy hinhs hinhe, hy hungh
       hehr hurnhinng hohr haihr --
SERVO: Oh, put a sock in it, doofus!  My tummy hurts.  Ahah-
       ahah-ahah-ahaaahhh....
MIKE:  Well, it serves you right for gulping it all down like
       that.  You didn't even chew.
SERVO: Mike, I've barely got a jaw to begin with!  What did
       you -expect- me to do?  Put it in the freezer till it's
       rock-hard, then break it under waxed paper with a hammer
       into a gazillion tasty, savory, safely-chewable pieces
       on the countertop or something?  Sheesh!
MIKE:  ... Well...
 
       (red lights flash)
 
       Oh, great.  Goober and Raisinet are calling.
 
       (Deep 13's Secret Cave.  Dr. Clayton Forrester, in his
usual waistcoat, carrying a clipboard and stopwatch.)
 
DR. F: Ahh, Nelson.  I must say, I am disappointed that your
       little refugees from a Happy Meal are still stuffing
       their faces with empty calories and artificial flavors.
       Not surprised, mind you, but surely -- FRANK!?
 
       (TV's Frank enters S.L., wearing black aerobics tights
with a "Deep 13" logo just over the heart.  Except for the
spit-curl, his hair is buzzed like Susan Powter's.)
 
FRANK: Hi, Dr. F.  Sorry I'm late, but me and Tony Little were
       doing some crunches.
DR. F: CRUNCHES!?!?  Frank, you're GONE!  You've shed this
       mortal coil!  You went to Henchman's Heaven!  Sidekick's
       Salvation!  To live happily and free of pain with Samwise
       and Bucky Barnes and Spiro Agnew and Bill Daly!  What
       are you doing here!?
FRANK: Well, Steve, I've got a new book out (smiles, holds up
       a hardcover book entitled "WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH
       THAT?"), -and- I've got a brand-new Invention Exchange.
DR. F: (delightedly, like a bad talk host) An Invention Exchange!
       Why, imagine that!
 
       (S.O.L.  Mike and the Bots.)
 
MIKE:  Hey, wait a minute!  We don't do The Invention Exchange any
       more!  Without Joel, we're ethically bound not to do it!
GYPSY: Yeah!
SERVO: Without Joel, we're contractually obligated not to do it!
GYPSY: Yeah!
CROW:  Without Joel, we're not very good at it.
 
       (They all do a take at Crow, then slowly nod.)
 
MIKE:  Well... yeah.
GYPSY: (sadly) Ohhh.
 
       (Deep 13.  Dr. F's trousers are gone.  Instead, he wears
a just-above-the-knees black vinyl skirt with a Casio keyboard
attached.  Car stereo speakers are duct-taped to his thighs.)
 
DR. F: ... uh... fascinating, Frank.  Er... what is it?
FRANK: Oh, it's my new fashion statement.  Y'see, the "retro"

       look is sweeping the nation, and those kooky kids today
       will wear just about anything from a cooler time than
       their own.  They'll also dance to anything that has
       four beats per measure and bass boost.  So I've
       combined these sensibilties in my new... MIDI Skirt.
DR. F: Ohhh!  A MIDI Skirt!  How clever!
FRANK: Yes, it's got a Pentium beltbuckle -- one size fits
       all, trust me on this -- runs SuperJam 2.0, much,
       -much- better than Band In A Box... and has no visible
       panty line.
 
       (Frank turns the thing on.  Cheesy house music starts.)

FRANK: See, now you don't have to move around the dance --
 
       (Frank starts doing the "King Tut."  After a moment,
Dr. F starts to get into it, although he only does a simple
side-step.)
 
FRANK: -- the dance... moves... around you!
DR. F: Saaay!  This is chillin'!  (to Mike and the Bots)
       Back to you, Denny Terrio!  (to Frank)  Oh, yeah!
       Watch me rock!
 
       (S.O.L.  Mike and the Bots.)
 
CROW:  I could've gone my whole life without seeing his knees
       again.
MIKE:  You know, this isn't fair.  We weren't even told there
       was gonna -be- an Invention Exchange.
SERVO: Well, Mike, in the words of S. Morgenstern, life isn't
       fair.
MIKE:  ... I always hated that part.
 
       (Red lights flash.  Back down in Deep 13, Dr. F and
Frank are... well....)
 
BOTH:  [singing] Throw out your hands, stick out your tush,
       Hands on your hips, give 'em a push,
       Don't be surprised, you're doin' The French Mistake.
       Voila!
 
       (In mid -"Voila," they collide and sprawl all over
the console.  Dr. F angrily drags himself upright.  As he
talks, Frank staggers to his feet.)
 
DR. F: FRA-A-ANNK!!  (to Mike and the Bots)  D'ohh!  I -was-
       going to take it easy on you this time, Nelson, but
       -now- I think I'll drop one of my favorite new Geneva
       Convention violations on you -- a smarmy little slug-
       pie on the evils of being nice to minorities.  (to
       Frank)  As for you, as long as you're here, send 'em
       the post, Apocalypse.
FRANK: Part of this complete Armageddon?
 
       (Dr. F grabs Frank by the hair and rams his face into
the console.)
 
FRANK: (eyes rolling up into his head)  ... It's good... to
       be home.... (He collapses.)
 
       (S.O.L.  Mike and Crow with fencing foils and chest
protectors.  Mike tosses his foil from one hand to the other
and strikes a pose.)

MIKE:  Aha!  I am not left-handed -either-!
 
       (All the lights and buzzers in the place go off.)
 
ALL:   AHHH!!  WE'VE GOT USENET SIGN!!! 

 
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[whakkita]
[whakkita]
[whakkita]
[whoooomm]
[grohhhnn]
[kreeeeak]
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> Received: from phakt.usc.edu (root@phakt.usc.edu
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CROW:  Down in phakt.usc.edu, Cthulhu waits a-dreaming.       
MIKE:  You do that every post.
SERVO: Well, if some of these doofi would kindly refrain
       from giving us all thirty chapters of The Travels
       Of This Article....

> If you are concerned about the fate Western/American
> civiliztion and its people,

SERVO: The fate Western/American civilization and its
       people, WHAT?
MIKE:  No, you're missing his sentence construction because
       of a spelling error.  He's talking about the theme of
       a party -- the -fete-, "Western/American Civilization
       And Its People."
CROW:  Come as you are.

> please take the time to read this artcle.

MIKE:  You've already wasted time by going this far.  You
       might as well run with it.

>
>
>
>                    The Long March

SERVO: After an even longer February.  I love that one.
 

> by Ian P. McKinney

ALL:   (singing) Ian McKinney were Dorsai,
       Lordy but how he could ri-i-ight....
SERVO: That's an obscure one.
CROW:  Best kind.
MIKE:  I suspect we're gonna need 'em all before we're
       done here.

> SINCE THE LAST ELECTION that heralded the so-called
> "Republican revolution"

MIKE:  How many elections -have- heralded the Republican
       Revolution?
SERVO: One to coerce the poor up the ladder and one to
       kick it away.
CROW:  So-called?
 
> we hear a lot of talk announcing that liberalism is dead,

SERVO: Yo, man, word on the street is, liberalism's dead.
MIKE:  Tol' it not to mess with my chick.
 
> or at least on its last legs.

CROW:  (Brit voice) It's geh'ing beh'ah....

> That is what well-known conservatives
> like Rush Limbaugh and others would have us all believe.

MIKE:  Clap your hands if you believe in Rush!
CROW:  Does that mean, if you don't clap he'll die?
SERVO: Best argument for bondage I've ever heard.
 

> Yes, listeners, all we have to do is support Newt Gingrich

CROW:  Good thing I brought my steel-reinforced truss.

> and, of course, keep on buying those Rush beer steins,

MIKE:  "2112" was an excellent album.
 
> and hopefully, according to the plan, when Bill Clinton
> is voted out of office in 1996 and after we elect a good
> conservative president,

SERVO: Doesn't using those three words in the same phrase
       violate some obscure law of physics?
 
> then all our worries will be over.

SERVO: Let the terrors begin.

> Does anyone actually think that an election or two will

> reverse well over fifty years of liberal and alien subversion
> of our government and institutions, the moral decay, the
> decline of the public school system, the out-of-control
> immigration, the explosion of non-White crime, or any of
> the other consequences of "diversity"?

CROW:  Phil Gramm, apparently.

> The present Republican politicians usually do not even
> directly address these issues.

SERVO: Don't look at it, Congressman!  Don't look!
 
> It would not matter if the Republicans were to be elected

> in large numbers for the next fifty years: these problems
> would obviously continue to grow worse.

MIKE:  Well, then obviously it -does- matter.

> Unfortunately, we've allowed ourselves to be convinced
> that liberalism consists of mostly economic issues:
> taxes, welfare, deficit spending, etc.

CROW:  Yeah, all that stuff about helping kids and moms
       is just a smokescreen.

> The fact of the matter is that
> liberalism, at its core, has little to do with economics.

SERVO: Liberals are all porno-pandering Village Bohemians
       who pretend to be welfare mothers to gain attention
       and tax-sponsored abortions.
MIKE:  Thank you, Senator Helms.  You can go home now.

> The economic issues that are constantly discussed in
> conservative circles

SERVO: Wait a minute.  If conservatives constantly discuss
       economic issues, and conservatism is the opposite of
       liberalism, then doesn't liberalism have a -lot- to
       do with economics?
MIKE:  Ahh, the "don't think of a green polka-dotted 
       conservative" method of aversion therapy.


> are only by-products of liberalism.

CROW:  Purina Liberal Chow contains only fresh liberalism
       by-products.

> The foundation and wellspring of liberalism is the
> fraudulent doctrine of universal human equality.

SERVO: Yeah, ya got a fraudulent doctrine here.  We're gonna
       haveta turn you over to the Philosophy Police.
 
> This doctrine states, in short, that a person is nothing
> more than a victim of his environment, born into the world
> as a blank slate.

CROW:  Dan Quayle, for instance.
MIKE:  Too easy.
 
> Everything that he will become, every impulse and instinct,
> every talent or flaw, every like or dislike, and even his
> intelligence, is solely the product of external forces and

> life experiences.

SERVO: It sounds like this guy disputes that.
CROW:  He was raised in the wild by paramecia.
SERVO: Ohh- huh?
 
> For example, those who believe in the doctrine of human
> equality state that there is no danger to our nation from
> the millions of low-intelligence, crime-prone, and violent
> people now immigrating to and reproducing in our cities
> at astronomical rates.

MIKE:  We'd like to apologize to everyone, everywhere,
       for that.
 
> All that we have to do, they say, is to make sure that
> these millions are guided into some do-gooding government
> program, like "Head Start" or "Midnight Basketball,"

CROW:  When did "feeding and educating three-to-ten years
       olds" first equal "providing constructive distraction
       for bored and frustrated inner-city youths"?
MIKE:  When did "do-gooding" first equal "obviously bad
       and wrong"?

> and they will all eventually become engineers, doctors,
> and other kinds of productive contributors to our country.

CROW:  You know, one of these days, some bank teller or
       short-order cook is gonna go over the edge at never
       being thought of as a "productive contributor."

MIKE:  Actually, that's genuinely frightening.

> And what do conservatives say?  No midnight basketball
> for them.

CROW:  Strom's got a lousy jumper anyway.
 
> But they really aren't too different from the liberals.

CROW:  Conservatives have better suits, but liberals look
       better casual.
SERVO: Conservatives buy expensive family-produced olive
       oils, while liberals are happy with Colavita.
MIKE:  And conservatives have stunning classical music
       collections, but just -try- finding BAT OUT OF HELL 2.
 
> They say: Give these non-Whites a good education, economic
> opportunity, and prayer in the schools;

MIKE:  Well, one out of three.

> and soon the Jamaican drug gang members will be
> indistinguishable from Beaver Cleaver.

MIKE:  Gosh, Wally, got any Jerk?
SERVO: C'mon, Beav, you know Mom doesn't like Eddie in
       the house.
 
> Modern-day conservatives and liberals both accept the

> liberal ideas of equality and of the overriding importance
> of the individual's environment.

MIKE:  Just look at the calm, almost boring discussion
       over abortion, welfare, and the spotted owl.

> If individuals are born with equal potential, and what
> they eventually become is determined solely by their
> environment, then certainly it follows that the races
> are also equal.

CROW:  You know, this whole argument would make much
       more sense if you didn't have to think of human
       potential as an element in a quadratic equation.
MIKE:  Ah, but then you'd lose 1/3 of your grade.

> If someone was to remove an infant from the jungles
> of Africa and place that child into the home of
> a typical White family here in America,

CROW:  ... he'd be Jan-Michael Vincent.


> then according to the theory of equality we should
> expect that the Black child's

SERVO: Who said it was a black child?
MIKE:  Would M'sieu like a bone through their nose, too?
 
> intelligence and abilities would be no different than
> those of a typical White child raised under similar
> conditions. If that African baby had been placed in
> Beethoven's crib

MIKE:  Neither would have had enough room to move.
 
> and raised identically to him, then that child would
> have eventually written the Ninth Symphony.

SERVO: Beethoven would have still written the first eight,
       but then contracted out the last one.
CROW:  By this logic, if raised in Africa George Gershwin
       would've written "Percy and Beth."

> Had that African child been placed in William Shockley's
> crib

MIKE:  We might have all been spared his theories of eugenics.
 
> he would have invented the transistor.

SERVO: I can just hear it: "... And then the transistor
       radio, and the boom box, and straight to gangsta rap."
 
> My examples may be exaggerated,

CROW:  Not to mention your opinion of yourself.
 
> but that really is the essence of the modern religion
> of equalitarianism, which is espoused by Clinton,
> Gingrich, and every other politician who wants to be

> elected.  It is a false religion,

SERVO: Thou shalt worwhip no other idiots before me.
 
> with Communist roots,

MIKE:  Hey!  You're not a blonde, you're a Commie!
 
> and with no scientific basis whatever.

CROW:  Somebody should give this guy a copy of
       The Foundation Trilogy.
MIKE:  You must admit, though -- he is one psycho
       historian.
SERVO: Ba-dump tshhhh!

> I have mentioned the Tanser Study on a previous
> American Dissident Voices program.

SERVO: If you missed it, I was brilliant.

> This study was conducted as part of the doctoral
> thesis of Dr. H. A. Tanser who was

MIKE:  (singing) ... a cleaner, in a town in the Midwest....
 
> Superintendent of Schools in Chatham, Ontario, in 1939.
> For approximately 100 years,

CROW:  Now that's tenure.


> Chatham had been the home of Blacks who had escaped
> slavery via the so-called

CROW:  What is it with "so-called"?  Why does the phrase
       even exist?
MIKE:  To let you know you shouldn't like whatever follows it.
CROW:  Ohhhh.

> "Underground Railroad"

MIKE:  You see, the historians really meant to say "subway."
CROW:  Harriet Tubman led escaped slaves to sandwich shops?
 
> of the 19th century, and their descendants. The study's
> goal was to show that these Blacks, living in equal social

> conditions with Whites and attending the same schools for
> about a century, would have developed IQs comparable to
> the Whites.

SERVO: Oh, no.  Tell me this isn't going where I think it's
       going.
MIKE:  Of course it is.  He capitalizes whites and blacks. 

> The numerous other studies conducted up until that time,
> it was claimed, showed lower IQs for Blacks because
> American Blacks had been segregated and discriminated
> against for their entire lives.

CROW:  Tests written by old white men had nothing to do
       with it.

> Chatham was an exception to that.

SERVO: It had Canadian blacks, not American.
MIKE:  Science!

> The findings of the Tanser study revealed quite the

> opposite of those expectations, however.

MIKE:  What expectations!?
SERVO: Forget it.  He's warming to his topic.  Just keep
       the barf bag handy.

> There was an approximate 15 point deficit in the average
> Black IQ test score when compared with the average White
> score: the same difference which existed and still exists
> between Black and White scores in Alabama or Louisiana.

ALL:   (singing) Those deaf, dumb and white kids
       Sure play a mean pinball....

> The previously mentioned study is only one of many dozens
> conducted over the years by various private, public, and
> military researchers.

MIKE:  All of which have been discredited, but let's not
       split hairs.

> They are unanimous in their findings. The IQ gap is

> unquestionably real.

SERVO: The difference between mine and the rest of reality's,
       for instance.
 
> Read The Bell Curve,

CROW:  And you too can have an exciting career in spurious
       statistics.
 
> available from National Vanguard Books, for an objective
> summary of the data.

MIKE:  Don't get me wrong.  Some of my best friends are
       subhuman morons.
 
> The theory of human equality has been scientifically
> demonstrated again and again to be false. The interesting
> question is:

SERVO: Why do so many bozos say "Every person is unique" AND
       "They're bad because they're not like us"?


> Why do we find so many fanatical advocates of this thoroughly
> discredited theory in the academy, in the media, and in
> government?

SERVO: Ah, yes.  I remember the good old days of the Human
       Equality Riots.
 
> Another issue on which modern Republicans agree with Bill
> Clinton is that of the wonderful benefits of Third World
> immigration.

CROW:  Someone tell Pete Wilson to catch up.

> The equality doctrine states that the race of an immigrant
> is of no consequence.

SERVO: Next thing you know, they'll be letting in people
       from Europe.
 
> Gingrich and Limbaugh and company state that all that is

> necessary is for the immigrants to be imbued with the
> American culture, whatever that is, and

CROW:  And they'll all become immune to American Cheese.
MIKE:  Whatever that is.

> after a sufficient period of acclimatization, they would be
> functionally identical to native-born White Americans.

MIKE:  Only they'd still look like the mutant hellspawn they
       are.

> The Republican "revolution" has zero chance of
> reversing or even slowing the browning of America.

MIKE:  A little Colavita in the bottom of the pan might help.
SERVO: Liberal.
CROW:  Does this mean that the -blackening- of America would
       lead to an all-Cajun culture?
SERVO: Jerk.
MIKE:  None for me, thanks.  Too spicy.

> If intelligence varies to such degrees among racial groups,

> then it is logical to believe other less tangible
> psychological characteristics also vary by race.

SERVO: Here it comes....
 
> I am referring to characteristics that enable a racial group
> to collectively create and sustain such a unique civilization
> composed of the body of art, learning, politics, social
> organization, etc.:

CROW:  Not being invaded by greedy white explorers.
 
> the mental characteristics comprising the natural abilities
> and tendencies that exist within that racial group.

ALL:   Oh, BOOO!!!!

> It is a synthesis of intelligence and racial "personality"

> that is the root of culture.

MIKE:  I'd like to see this clown try writing some hip-hop.
CROW:  No, you wouldn't.

> Why does one group of people develop an advanced society,
> while others remain at a savage level?

MIKE:  Curiously enough, the dolphins wondered exactly the
       same thing.

> Why do some races seem incapable of developing or maintaining
> an advanced society even when exposed to -- and in cases
> actively aided by -- more advanced civilizations,

SERVO: (as Patton) You are not fit to point these AK-47s at
       your kids!

> while others are able to quickly adapt outside ideas and
> technologies and then go on to develop them in their own
> unique ways?

CROW:  Look, O White Bwana God!  We make Coconut Underoos!
MIKE:  That's nice, Chongo.  Here, have some plastic beads.
CROW:  (gasps, then starts devouring a la Cookie Monster)


> Those are good questions, but do not expect a rational answer
> from a liberal.

CROW:  Mike, are you a liberal?
MIKE:  Ookie-mookie whubbida whubbida fnord.

> Their answer will be that it's "racism" and "bigotry" on the
> part of Whites and in some cases Asians for the inability of
> Black Africa, for example, to move much beyond the Stone Age.

SERVO: Hostile climate, centuries-old ethnic conflicts, and
       lack of mineral resources of course had nothing to do
       with it.

> The glaring failure to develop in Africa causes severe

> consternation among liberals,

CROW:  Whaddaya -mean-, you can't build strip malls in the
       veldt?

> and their shrill calls for more foreign aid, more
> exchange students, more "uplift" programs, more "democracy,"
> ad infinitum, are simply desperate efforts to cover for the
> total intellectual bankruptcy of the equality doctrine.

SERVO: Whereas -I- think minorities oughta be horsewhipped,
       just for being poor in public.

> For an equalitarian to face the fact that an endless supply

> of money and assistance will not bring any lasting
> improvement to a place like Africa would destroy his belief
> system and would require a massive philosophical
> reassessment.

MIKE:  Well, actually, since no one's really tried an -endless-
       supply of money and assistance....

> The deteriorating social conditions that are occurring in the
> United States and the rest of the White world are the direct
> results of an insane immigration policy

SERVO: Come on over to Crazy Sammy's!  Our immigration policies
       are... INSANE!!

> and the tremendous birthrate of the non-Whites already here.

MIKE:  I, on the other hand, have never tasted human love.

> Both of these have their roots in the doctrine of equality.

> How did this doctrine become the state religion of the new
> rulers of America?

SERVO: Worship every Sunday at the anthropologist of your
       choice.

> Our ancestors 100 years ago certainly never believed in such
> nonsense.

SERVO: Yeah, that stuff on the plaque at the bottom of the
       Statue of Liberty was just malicious graffiti.  Ohh --
       we gotta split, guys.


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[kreeeeak]
[grohhhnn]
[whoooomm]
[whakkita]
[whakkita]
[whakkita]
[SLAM]
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.


       (S.O.L.  Crow and Servo at the desk.)

SERVO: ... So let me get this straight.  People will -always-
       think other people are evil, stupid, and genetically
       inferior, just because they look different?  In some
       cases, just because their skin reflects a different
       amount of light?
CROW:  Oh, absolutely.  And it is perfectly legal in all fifty
       states to have a good laugh at their expense.

       (Gypsy and Mike walk in.)

CROW:  Take these two, for instance.  I mean, look at that
       long neck, and that -wide- head... and those lips!
       Ha-ha-ha!
SERVO: Ha-ha-haaa!  I see what you mean!
CROW:  And then there's Gypsy!  Ha-ha!
SERVO: Ha-h- huh?

       (Gypsy and Mike look at each other.)

CROW:  I mean, she's only got one eye, and she's a -woman-,
       after all... hardly the American ideal.
SERVO: Well, uh, actually, Crow, even -if- she wasn't the only
       woman -up- here, I'm not so sure --

       (As the camera pulls back, Gypsy moves to a wall panel
just past the S.R. side of the desk.  Mike grabs a box labeled
"MAGNETIC BOOTS" from beneath the desk and moves to a similar
position at S.L.)

CROW:  My point exactly!  Her imperfections threaten the
       purity of our genetic heritage.
SERVO: Ah, but, heh, you see, we don't -have- any genes....
CROW:  (sotto voce) ... And we can dupe the simpler, more
       manual-labor-oriented of our society to build us some
       robot -babes-.... you know, the Hajime Sorayama type.
SERVO: But I -like- Gypsy.

       (Mike dons the pair of magnetic boots, then gives Gypsy
a "thumbs up".)

GYPSY: Gravity -- OFF!

       (Crow and Servo yelp as they are flung hard and loud
against the ceiling, bounce, and then begin to float around.)

CROW:  Wh- Gypsy, what happened!?
GYPSY: Oh, just a little malfunction in the higher functions
       of the ship.  It'll clear up as soon as you guys learn
       your lesson.

       (She leaves.)

CROW:  WAIT!  I've learned my lesson!  You can let us down
       now!  Gypsy!
SERVO: Mike, help us!
MIKE:  Oh, sorry, Servo, but I'm simple and more manual-labor-
       oriented.  Right now, you guys are both living problems
       in acceleration physics and spatial geometry.
CROW:  D'ohh!
SERVO: Oh, for crying out loud!
MIKE:  A guy can get hurt if he's not sensitive to his
       surroundings, you know?

       (Red lights flash.)
       (Deep 13.  Frank is brushing his fingers over the old
consoles, lost in fond memories.  Suddenly, a white-gloved hand
in a red sleeve comes into the shot from S.R., and gives him
a "C'mere" gesture.)

VOICE: (off-stage) Psst!  Hey, buddy!  Ever been a sidekick?

       (Frank's face lights up.)

FRANK: Only the best!

       (The hand withdraws from the shot, and Frank follows it.)
       (S.O.L.  Crow and Servo are bouncing from wall to wall.)

BOTH:  AHHHH!
MIKE:  ... And "The Josephine Baker Story".  I distinctly
       recall at least one "hubba-hubba."

CROW:  AHHHH!  Fine!  Fine!  Mike, you win.  We're sorry.
SERVO: WE?  =wham=  AHHHH!
MIKE:  Yes, "we".  Crow started it, but you tolerated it.
       Fairness and respect begin with everyone, not just --
CROW:  -- Thank you, Maya Angelou, can you just get us DOWN!?
MIKE:  Huh?  Oh, sure.  Gypsy?  You can let 'em down now.
GYPSY  (off-stage) Gravity -- ON!

       (Crow and Servo hang there for one final moment, then
yell as they plunge to the floor.  Sound effects by The Tin
Woodsman and The Winged Monkeys.)

MIKE:  (to camera) Being a jerk.  Think about it... won't you?

       (Lights and sirens.)

MIKE:  Oh, no, we got USENET SI-I-IGN!!


.
.
.
[whakkita]
[whakkita]
[whakkita]
[whoooomm]
[grohhhnn]
[kreeeeak]
.
.
.


(To be continued....)


       
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

All shtick © 1995 by Tom Smith. All rights reserved.

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