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MUT3K: The Lucifier Journals, Part 2

MSTied by Tom Smith




       [S.O.L.  Lights and sirens.]

ALL:   AAAAHH!!  WE'VE GOT USENET SI-I-IGN!!


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[whakkita]
[whakkita]
[whakkita]
[whoooomm]
[grohhhnn]
[kreeeeak]
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> Electro-Magnetic thermal kinetic energy.

MIKE:  Flag on the moon.

> Picture this: Take a rubber ball and if you could pierce it with straws.

CROW:  You'd have the goofiest scale-model of a porcupine in the
       whole class.
SERVO: The straws-and-rubber-ball game is loads of fun at about
       three a.m. on Pledge Night.

> Each straw respresents an infinite light fiber

CROW: For infinite light regularity.

> that not only pierces Earth but travels in a straight line thoughout
> the universe. The universe is made up of  many light fiber grids.

MIKE:  They surround us, penetrate us, bind the galaxy together.


> They travel in perfect straight lines thoughout the universe
> intersecting with one another.

SERVO: Well, pretty good straight lines.
CROW:  This *article* is all pretty good straight lines.

> There is no end or beginning to these electro-magnetic energy grids.

SERVO: Then, you can't prove they're perfectly straight lines.

> An advanced civilization that knows not of war could have easily
> discovered Electro Magnetic Energy Grids (EMEG).

MIKE:  D'ohh!  *Here's* the EMEG!  Under all these spent shells
       and body parts.

> You can also see their existance by taking  two metal coat hangers
> and straightening them out as best as possible.

CROW:  The Beakman Challenge! allenge! allenge! allenge!

> Approximate 24" of coat hanger, bend ( 90 degree angle 9" of

> coat hanger ) . Take small side of hangers loosely holding
> in hands.  Walk in any direction, when coat hangers cris-cross
> you have discovered a  EMEG.

SERVO: Who needs NASA and the NRC?  We've got Satan, disguised
       as a dowser.

> The proper light fluzulation (ability to bend light so one
> can transiet time)

ALL:   [laughter]
SERVO: He's going for the technobabble... he shoots... he scores!

> and a well seasoned pilot

SERVO: I always use Clancy's Fancy Hot Sauce.
MIKE:  No, we're dealing with time and space here.  I think
       we need Dave's Insanity Sauce.
CROW:  [klik] Open the spice rack doors, Hal. [klik]

> could position a craft in any point of time within any solar
> system in the universe. One with this knowledge would also
> have the ability to  alter any point in time, within any

> given planet, in any given circumstance.

SERVO: Well, *we* haven't got that knowledge.  'Cause if we did,
       we'd get the heck out of reading this goofy article.

> Lets concentrate on Earthly problems and see if we can come up
> with some solutions. First we must believe EMEG's exist.

MIKE:  Sure.  What's one more graphic file format?

> Second we must formulate some sort of format

SERVO: Good morning!  Department of Redundancy Department.  Good
       morning!

> whereby we use our imaginations to form a focal point. Lets try
> this, disk-shaped objects positioned over every active volcano.

ALL:   [laughter]
SERVO: Where does he *get* this stuff?
MIKE:  I can see it now!  "The Pinatubo Lid!"
CROW:  I can imagine *lots* of disk-shaped objects over an active
       volcano.  And they all say, "Free AOL Software Inside!"

> Using a  quartz-laser light spectrum quartator (device used
> to alter light)

MIKE:  It makes it dark, or something.

>  one can fragment light.

SERVO: Maxfield Parrish used broken light all the time.

> Fragmentation is like boiling/freezing water.

MIKE:  No, fragmentation is like exploding into shards.
SERVO: So, the power used to run a quartator is the "Charge
       Of The Light Grenade."
MIKE:  D'ohh!

> The molecular structure is altered by using heat.

MIKE:  Yeah, the heat excites the light particles and makes them
       ... umm, faster than light.
CROW:  Basically, then, we don't need warp technology.  We just
       need to tuck the engines in all snuggly.
SERVO: Ahhh.  Then they become tuck-yon generators.
MIKE:  ... Go to your room.
SERVO: I wish.

> The principle is the same but the process is different.

SERVO: Man, is it tough to keep from just yelling "Science!"

       after every line.
MIKE:  I know.  I'm real proud of you guys for not taking the
       cheapies on this one.
CROW:  Don't count on it lasting much longer.

> Each color of the fragmented light preforms a different
> function.  For instance, fragment/red allows us to extract
> the molten lava from a volcano.

CROW:  Guys, is this sounding more like Jonny Quest or
       Sailor Moon?

> If we project the molten lava to a descinated area in our
> atmosphere say opposite of our present moon. I believe we
> just may solve our weather havoc problems!!

MIKE:  Mister Tuvok, that's brilliant!

> Creating another moon opposite our present moon

SERVO: Would give werewolves a nervous breakdown.

> would balance the jet stream thus enable us to have gentler,

> more predictible weather patterns. Without the sudden dips
> in the jet stream adverse weather would not be able to be
> fueled by the fires it needs to sustain life.

SERVO: ... so... the... adverse weather... sustains... life...
CROW:  ... and is fueled... by fires...
MIKE:  ... created by... sudden dips in the jet stream...
SERVO: ... without which we'd have gentler, more predictable weather...
CROW:  ... which, presumably, would *not* sustain life...
MIKE:  ... and all we'd have to do is...
SERVO: ... use nonexistent, imaginary technology...
CROW:  ... to extract lava from the earth...
MIKE:  ... and project it across space...
SERVO: ... to create another moon.
ALL:   [silence]
SERVO: Guys, I think we now know the answer to the question,
       "What if COSMOS had been written by Criswell?"

> One more thing, the molten lava needed to create this new,
> moon would also decrease the lava table thus causing a decrease
> in volcanic activity.

MIKE:  Why, this just gets better and better!

> Hum......

ALL:   [harmony] Hummmmmm.


> what else could we solve? What about the cocaine/opium
> epidemic?

CROW:  Yeah!  We'll just drop hot lava on Columbia and Pakistan!

> We could use EMEG's to send craft to say the cocaine traingle.
> ( Peru, Columbia, and Bolivia are the three largest cocaine
> suppliers to the U.S. and maybe the world).

CROW:  ... So, he's gonna harness the energy of the cosmos
       to ship Carol Duvall to Bogata.
MIKE:  Maybe he wants to send Wiccans to Bogata.
SERVO: Heck, if you diagram the sentence, it looks like he
       wants use the energy of the cosmos to send Wiccans to
       Bogata so they can say "The Cocaine Triangle" out loud.

> and with just one cocaine plant we could extract the DNA
> from that plant.

SERVO: Welcome... to Addictive Park.


> Determine that strand and  we could use our material tracking
> device to pinpoint all existing plants in a 100 mile radius.

CROW:  However, all they've found so far is O.J. Simpson's gloves.

> Radius tracking could be upgraded to a higher radius if deemed
> necessary.  The same could be done in the opium producing countries.

CROW:  Other *countries* could be upgraded to a higher radius?
MIKE:  Well, that's how their science advances.
CROW:  Ohhh- huh?

> STAY TUNED FOR MORE OF LUCIFIERS JOURNALS

SERVO: Starring David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, and Bill Cosby
       as The Devil.

> REJOICE INDEPENDENCE DAY IS COMING.

CROW:  To home video.  Rated R.

> Any multiply of 9 the sum equals 9 (ex. 9x2=18 1+8 9x3=27 2+7=9
> 9x74=666 6+6+6=18 1+8=9).

SERVO: ... the hell...?
MIKE:  Oh, joy!  Rapture!  I've got a brain!
CROW:  Guys, welcome to Non Sequiter Central.

> The 74th seed of Judes (betrayl of

> Christ) would be the man with the number 666.

MIKE:  License to betray.

> All disasters that occur in this world need a 9 or 13 to become
> manifest. What I mean by that is this:. First we must substitute
> the alfabet

CROW:  Well, now we know why he sticks with numbers.

> letters with their root numbers: A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4 E=5 F=6 G=7 etc
> until you substitute Z=26.

MIKE:  [gasp] He's revealed the secret of Little Orphan Annie's
       decoder ring!
CROW:  Good thing, too.  The C.I.A. was still stumped.

> No disaster can occur unless a root 9 or 13 is present.

MIKE:  I want to see the County Road Commission implement this.

> Multiplies of 9 and 13 also can be involved in major disasters.
> Capital letters of proper nouns (cities and states,)

> can also play a part in disasters.

SERVO: Heck, pretty much everything.

> Dates, times,magnitute

CROW:  [singing, to "Alley Oop"] Magnitute-tute, tute, tute-tute....

> of earthquakes (epicenter) airplane flight numbers (if add up
> to 9 or 13 could be harmful to your health) train engine numbers
> ( like the one I believe in Wash. D.C. area train crash) added
> up to either the number 9 or 13 or multiply thereof.

SERVO: Watson!  The game's afoot!  Oysters are plotting to take
       over the world!  Er... hand me my syringe, will you?

> I must confess none of this ever interested me until the night
> of Dec. 26th 1975.

MIKE:  Mary Jane wouldn't let me kiss her, so I went out and
       got some Satanism books to make her my slave.


> After that ufo encounter

CROW:  *What* U.F.O. encounter?
SERVO: Y'know, this whole post makes a lot more sense as
       blank verse.

> I felt compelled to read about religions, astral projection,
> really everything that had to do with spirituality.

CROW:  Because I was pret-ty sure by this point I was gonna
       end up in Hell otherwise.

> I felt the need to be of some source of beneficial aid to the world.

SERVO: Hey.  Soylent Green, Inc. is always looking for volunteers.

> Thats when I first saw how the numbers 9 and 13 influence our
> everyday life. I will now show you documented cases of major
> disasters. I will also show documented cases of the positive
> side of 9 and 13.

MIKE:  9 and 13.  Working together to kill other people, while
       making *your* life better than ever.

> The first one is the plane crash in Fla. that occured recently.

> This one is easy the plane was 27 years old.( 2+7=9.)

SERVO: Ohhh!  It wasn't the age of the plane that brought it
       down, it was the numerology.

> Remember the Amtrack crash

SERVO: Yeah, the Alamo's old hat.

> in Hyder Az.

CROW:  Hinder?
SERVO: Aa-
MIKE:  Stop.  No further.

> 10/8/95. Here's where pronous come into play. The first letter
> of Hyder is H.

SERVO: Aw, come *on*, Mike!
MIKE:  I told you, *no*!
CROW:  But he keeps saying --
MIKE:  He's *not saying hinder*.  Jeez, have you no pride?
SERVO: This isn't about pride, Nelson, it's about survival.

> The first letter of Arizona is A. 

MIKE:  Thank you, Mr. Quayle.  Keep going.

> ( H=8 A=1 8+1=9)
> Here's an interesting statistic also on 10/8/95.A strong 7.6
> earthquake 15 miles of Manzanillo, Colima

SERVO: [singing] And gettin' caught in the rain...


> struck at 9:36 a.m. Double trouble here

BOTS:  Pop-A-Matic pops the dice.

> epicenter equals 13.Time of quake 9+3+6=18 1+8=9.

MIKE:  At the quake, the time will be nine... thirty-six.
CROW:  Brrruhruhruhruhrummmmbruhruhrummmbrmmmmm....

> Here are a couple of positive additions:
> 10/13/95 apparitions of the Virgin Mary to Nancy Fowler
> in Conyers, Georgia. This one is easy do you know where
> it is???

MIKE:  Ummm... Conyers, Georgia?
SERVO: WRONG!  WRONG!  HAHAHAHAHAAA!  WRONG WRONG WRONG!
MIKE:  Servo, chill.
SERVO: ... oh.  Sorry.

> Here's the proper noun use again. Statues of Ganesh were
> reported drinking milk.

CROW:  Milk.  It does a Ganesh good.

> (first letter of Statues is S. S=20. Ganesh is G. G=7 20+7=27

> 2+7=9.

CROW:  Too bad "statues" isn't a friggin' PROPER NOUN, isn't it?
SERVO: Y'know, I've got enough trouble with this theory to begin
       with, but he could at least be marginally consistent.
MIKE:  Yeah.  It's kinda like cheating at solitaire.

> Whether you are a Christian, Moslem, Buddist,Krisha,

MIKE:  Quite a selection.
SERVO: Yeah.  Find God in Jesus, Mohammad, beer, or the airport.
       
> etc. etc. etc.,

SERVO: [King of Siam] Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
MIKE:  Don't forget Dr. Paintbrush.

> we need to act upon this immediately.

SERVO: Wow, I guess all the world *is* a stage.

> To know that 9 and 13 are responsible for major disasters

CROW:  [Chief] ... And *you* didn't bring 'em in, McCloud!
       What were you *thinking*?

> doesn't mean we hide on days of 9 and 13.

SERVO: That's just what they're *expecting* us to do.

> Nor do we not get on an airplane thats flight number equals a 9 or 13.

MIKE:  [evil laugh] Mwoa-ha-ha-haaa!  That's right, don't be afraid!
       Yes, yes, come!  Step right on board!


> The purpose of me instructing you is

SERVO: Getting those last two credit hours from DeVries.

> to make you aware of the potential danger. When the world can see
> this as a mass then it(destruction) will forever be silenced.

SERVO: Destruction is such a mind-bogglingly stupid beast that
       it assumes if you *can see* it, you *can't hear* it.

> I have many documented cases involving 9 and 13 these are just
> the tip of the iceburg.

CROW:  Which I've put here in the hopes that someone will run into
       it and add to my many documented cases.

> If someone could email me an address of an archives domain ,
> that had access to disaster archives ,hopeully at least 20
> years old. I would be greatful. Until then

MIKE:  The words "Lycos" and "Web-Crawler" will mean nothing to me.


> look for future postings of "Lucifiers Journals"

SERVO: In thousands upon thousands of e-mail boxes near you.

> Independence Day will only come when you believe you have
> the knowledge.

CROW:  Or on July Fourth.  Whatever.

> Knowledge grows like a garden slow but prosperous if given the
> right amount of fetilizer................

SERVO: This article, for instance.

> All disasters that occur in this world need a 9 or 13 to become
> manifest.  What I mean by that

MIKE:  Even I don't know.


> is this:. First we must substitute the alfabet letters with
> their root numbers: A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4 E=5 F=6 G=7 etc until you
> substitute Z=26.

SERVO: At which point, without any fuss, the stars began to go out.

> No disaster can occur unless a root 9 or 13 is present.

MIKE:  It must be nice, predicting things in hindsight.
SERVO: Yeah, all he has to do is find *one* thing that fits his
       little numbers game, and he can take credit for this whole
       alleged... whatever it is.

> Multiplies of 9 and 13 also can be involved in major disasters.
> Capital letters of  Pronouns  (cities states or countries) can
> also play a part in disasters.

MIKE:  A-HAH!!  Pronoun trouble.

> Dates,(sometimes with first
> letter of city/state  and/or country)times, magnitute of

> earthquakes, epicenter's ground zero, airplane flight numbers,

CROW:  Are you implying a *conspiracy*, Mr. Cochran?

> train engine numbers

SERVO: Somehow I knew we couldn't trust Thomas the Tank Engine.

> if they add up to 9 or 13 it could be harmful to your health.

CROW:  The Surgeon General's warning now appears on calculators,
       computers, abacuses, and videos of Multiplication Rock. 

> To see why nine plays

SERVO: By August Strindberg.

> such an important part of our Earthly existence you don't
> have to look far. First it takes nine months to conceive.


MIKE:  Not that I know girls, or anything.

> Second the number nine

CROW:  The number is hereby seconded.  All in favor?
MIKE & SERVO: Aye.

> multiplied by any number other than zero

MIKE:  Pretty much whatever you need to make it work.


> (zero serves as the placeholder only)

CROW:  I always bring a friend to hold my place.
SERVO: Crow, that's not predicting disasters, that's standing
       in line at McDonald's.
MIKE:  Same thing, really.

> the sum of the multiplied
> number will always equal nine when added. 

SERVO: Y'know, I'm getting a little tired of all these Bearers of
       Cosmic Wisdom who can't compose a halfway-decent sentence.
CROW:  Oh, well, that's a true sign of their genius.  They're too
       busy with thoughts that really matter to be bothered with
       communication skills.
MIKE:  God, don't let them hear that.  They'll start using it as
       a justification for their poor spelling and grammar.
SERVO: "Yeah, *that's* the ticket... I'm too busy thinkin' about
       *cosmic* stuff... yeah...."

> Here are more documented cases using nine and 
> thirteen............................

CROW:  The incredible new diet plan that takes off up to
       *twenty-two pounds* in just two weeks!

> 7.0 earthquake off Sulawesi, Indonesia  generates huge tidal
> wave.  (date: 1/2/96=18 1+8=9)

MIKE:  Aah, who cares?  It's not like they're Americans over
       there, or anything.


> China Lake in California on 8/17/95 (5.4 epicenter equals nine
> also time: 15:39pst adds to 18)

SERVO: Pst!  Hey, bub!  You want nineteen or twenty o' dat?

> 8/9/95 death of Jerry Garcia, maybe not a major disaster to all.
> Jerry showed me that a friend of the devil is a friend of mine.

MIKE:  Quick!  Hand me my Chord Book of the Dead.

> Hot summer in Chicago

MIKE & SERVO:
       [singing] Dang, dang, da-dang dang....
CROW:  [singing] Hot town, summer in the city....

> 7/3/95 (date along with capital letter of pronoun Chicago:
> 7+3+9+5+3=27 2+7=9)

MIKE:  "Capital letter of pronoun Chicago"!?
CROW:  Oww, MAN....
SERVO: [exhales in disgust] Numerology wuss.
MIKE:  He said he was gonna do it.
SERVO: Yeah, but... does this guy even know what a pronoun *is*!?


> over 500 people died from the heat in one week.

MIKE:  Oh, come on.  Miami's basketball team isn't that bad.

> On 9/27/95 New Zealands Mt. Ruapehu blows it top.

CROW:  Haha!  I'm colloquial!  See?  I'm colloquial.  I'm *wrong*,
       but I'm colloquial.

> (the day:27

MIKE:  The place: Babylon 5.

> 2+7=9 also pronoun Mt.first letter is M.

SERVO: Mountain-is-not-a-PRONOUN!!
MIKE:  Give it up, Servo.  He's in his own little world.

> m=13 or 4 Ruapehu
> first letter is R. r=18 1+8=9.  9+4=13)

CROW:  [increasingly shrill] One plus three equals four.  Plus
       nine, is thirteen.  One plus three equals four.  Plus
       nine, is thirteen.  One plus --
MIKE:  All right, enough with the "I, Mudd" shtick.
SERVO: Yeah, why can't you be a *useful* Norman, like Bates?

> On 9/14/95 Ometepec, Mexico was hit by an earthquake of 7.2

> magnitude ( 7+2=9)

SERVO: Ometepec spelled backwards is Cepetemo.
MIKE:  [British] And this is my counterpart, R2-D2.
SERVO: [beep] [boop] [whistle]

> Strange apparent explosions occured on 9/7/95 that caused
> flash floods in Mindano Island, Phillipines. (Mindanao Island
> m=13 or 4  i=9 9+4=13}

CROW:  Explosions of what?  Water?

> On 5/18/95 Ebola virus in Zaire spreads (the day of the 18th 1+8=9)

MIKE:  Don't you just love the way he leaves out any data that
       might sink his precious little theory?
SERVO: Frankly, I'm trying not to pay attention.

> On 4/19/95 Ola.City

SERVO: [Monty Python femme] Ooh-lah!

> bombing Federal building had 9 floors.

SERVO: I seriously doubt McVeigh was cruising for Federal
       buildings that were numerologically tall enough.
MIKE:  I seriously doubt McVeigh can count to nine.

> On 10/4/94 Order of the Solar Temple 50 die in mass suicide
> in Chiery, Switzerland and Canada (1+0+4+9+4=18 1+8=9)

BOTS:  [like the Mothra twins] Today is a good day to die.


> On 9/1/94 Eureka Oregon hit with a quake registering 7.2 on
> Ricter scale ( 7+2=9)

SERVO: Eureka!  He's lost it!

> On 2/3/94 triple quakes in Soda Springs Iowa 5.3 5.1.4.9 (date
> equals 18 1+8=9 also all three readings add up to 18 which
> equals nine.)

SERVO: Ummm.  5.3 plus 5.1 plus 4.9 add up to 15.3.
CROW:  WAIT A MINUTE!  15.3.... 1 plus 5 plus 3 equal -- NINE!!
       Oh, my God, it works!
MIKE:  It does not.
SERVO: Crow, for your own good: Never gamble with Martin Gardner
       or Raymond Smullyan, okay?

> On 8/9/93 Guam hit with 8.1 quake ( 8+1=9)

MIKE:  How come none of these places is ever hit with a Quisp?

> The day of the inferno at Waco 9 people survived the fire.

SERVO: The ATF Numerology SWAT Team, on the job.

> On 1/8/93 worst flooding in over a decade hits Tijuana, Mexico

CROW:  And petroleum-laced reefers hit Marijuana, Texico.

> (here the day/month/year along with the capital T and capital M

> equals an 18 which breaksdown to the number nine.)

CROW:  And this fits in here too.  And maybe that.  And this other
       stuff over here.  Does it work yet?  No?  Oh, I must need
       this... and this....

> Once again I am here to instruct you on this subject.

SERVO: Claaaaass... Claaaaass... SHUT AAAHHHHPP!!!

> Don't hide under your bed on a nine or thirteeth.

MIKE:  You see, the Boogeyman knows all about numerology, and he's
       already under there waiting for you.

> Being aware of the danger is what this instruction is all about.

CROW:  [singing, Billy Joel's "The Stranger"] Well, it adds up
       to nine, but we disregard the dayn-jah....

> If the worlds mass can grasp this concept and apply it daily
> through meditation destruction would be terminated.

SERVO: If the world's mass could grasp *any* concept, people would
       be a lot more careful about where they dig.

> More to come.....keep those cards and letters e-mailing

CROW:  Boy, those are tech-savvy cards and letters.
SERVO: Yeah, but apparently they work in a sweat shop.
CROW:  All right, ya scurvy cards and letters!  Back to e-mailing!
SERVO: [snicker] Arrrh!  Shiver me a chill!

> .Response is favorable

MIKE:  *Another* new file format?  That's the second in this post!
SERVO: And well-received, apparently.


> but there will  always be those who are not willing to accept 
> new concepts because of their conditioning.

CROW:  For them, we recommend Nietszche's Brainwashing Shampoo
       and Conditioner.

> Independence Day  is coming believe that knowledge is laying
> asleep and is  coming of age.

MIKE:  Meanwhile, Snow White is still young and beautiful.
CROW:  Yeah, but she snores.

> Believe that you can wake this untapped knowledge

CROW:  Mixed metaphor?  You're soaking in it.

> and use it for mankinds benefits.

SERVO: At least, until the Congress and Clinton cut them off.

> Peace by piece one step at a time

CROW:  [singing] I built it one piece at a time,
                 And it didn't cost me a dime....

> Remember now spelled backwards spells won. I feel like a

MIKE:  Wronged Satan?
CROW:  Meatball?
SERVO: Gin and tonic?

> winner how about you??????

MIKE:  Absolutely.  I made it through this post alive.



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[kreeeeak]
[grohhhnn]
[whoooomm]
[whakkita]
[whakkita]
[whakkita]
[SLAM]
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.


       [S.O.L.  The red lights are flashing as Mike and the
'Bots enter.]

MIKE:  Hey, we're getting a call from Deep 13.  Dr. Forrester
       must be back.
SERVO: Yeah, I wonder if he conquered Heaven yet.
MIKE:  [hits the button] How did it go, sir?

       [Deep 13.  Dr. F, in the background, is... a mess.
Clothing and hair burnt and askew, a ball and chain on each
ankle, open stigmata, gravy stains, the whole ball of wax
{ground into his shorts}.  To his left is Rip Taylor, throwing
confetti at him; to his right, John Banner is being jolly.]

JOHN:  ... Und zhen zhere vass der time vhen LeBeau -- hoho!
       I *lufft* LeBeau, did I zay zhat?  Vell, you zee, LeBeau
       snuck into zhe Colon-el's vine zellah und re-playzed all
       zhe vine mit vannn-illa eggz-drakt!  Und tolt him der
       grapes ver presst mit a cookie cutter!  
DR. F: No... please....
RIP:   V.D.!!  Fresh V.D.!!  Cold sores, herpes simplex, herpes
       complex, shopping complex, United Arts Multiplex!  Laugh,
       you little neon-green guy, you, LAUGH!  It's FUNNY!
DR. F: Aaaah... no...

       [F.G. S.R. and S.L., Hugh Beaumont and TV's Frank enter.]
HUGH:  Well, boys, the cosmic crisis is averted, reality's back
       on an even keel... and I bet you learned a valuable
       lesson today, right?
FRANK: Gosh, yes, Da- I mean, Death...
HUGH:  That's all right, Frank.  I'm kinda everyone's Dad.
FRANK: Well, sir, I guess what I learned is... if I ever go
       looking for my heart's desire, I shouldn't look any
       farther than my own backyard.  'Cause if it wasn't there
       all along, I never really needed it to begin with.
       Is that it?
HUGH:  [chuckles] Frank, that's so wrong I can't even begin to
       tell you.  [grabs his hair]
FRANK: Owwie-owwie-owwie-owwie!
HUGH:  It's "Don't mess with The Big Kahuna"!  Get over here.
       [drags him off-camera] Invade Heaven -- what were you
       thinking!?
DON:   Hey, Doctor F!

       [Don Knotts as Barney Fife enters mid-stage S.L., with
two armfuls of food.]

DON:   I finally found your refrigerator.  Even nailed a perp
       -- he kinda sounded like the announcer on Bullwinkle,
       but I knew better.  Yeah, he'd shorted the alarm on your
       icebox, but Ol' One-Bullet Barn knew what to do... UNGH!
       [strains] Y'mind-if-I-just-set-this-stuff-right-here...

       [He drops the food on the button.]



          |
       \  |  /
        \ | /
      ---( )---   [pwhohhhffhh]
        / | \
       /  |  \
          |



JOHN:  ... Und zhen, von tay, Newkirk diff-ided up der kamp
       into two zidez, und ve playt a game, und eff-ree-botty
       got a kiss!  Except Zheneral Burkhalter....
DR. F: NAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOO!!




Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and &copy 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.

Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

All shtick and lyrics &copy 1996 by Tom Smith. All rights reserved. All comments appreciated!


> if they add up to 9 or 13 it could be harmful to your health.

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