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Villains' Pride

Words: © 1998, 1999, 2000 P.F. Bruns.™. All rights reserved.
Music: "Rocket Ride" by Tom Smith

Over the top, ruling in style
Well, I must admit that it's been awhile
Since I've had a chance to use my guile
My menacing laugh and my nasty smile

How many years have come and gone since we tried to take over the world?
Where is the thrill that I used to feel as the Jolly Roger unfurled?
Where is the wax that I used to use to keep my pencil-thin mustache curled?
What has become of the sense of adventure—and where in Hell are all the girls?

Sure, I used to be dashing and debonair
Slender and handsome and devil-may-care
But I've put on some weight; lost some of my hair
I've tried to age gracefully; it's just not fair

Had my costume redone in a larger size
In a darker color that'll hide my thighs
To get in shape and regain my pride
I've decided next week I'm starting Jazzercise®
Yes, I'm an arch-villain and I Jazzercise®

Where have all the good henchmen gone that we always used to hire?
The current bunch is getting long in the tooth and more than half have retired
It's so hard to find good help these days; these new kids are so uninspired
If we had a training and benefits plan we'd have the situation wired

It's tough to find guards who will shoot to miss
Who won't kill the hero when he tries to resist
Who never ask questions; who do what they're told
Who don't mind when the hero knocks 'em cold

I just can't tell you how good it feels
To reveal my plan and to offer a deal
To a hero who's hanging by his heels
Even though he escapes in the final reel
Yes, he escapes in the final reel

Death rays, skeletons, magic runes, evil nuns
Clones that melt into flan
Forget about the Skull Sword; back to the drawing board
I need another master plan
Uniforms, costumes, power grids, armed goons
These things don't grow on trees
I need folding green, dollars, cents, lettuce, cabbage, presidents
You can't build an empire for free

But I've found a way to raise capital fast
The galaxy will be mine at last
All this surplus gear that I've amassed
Has got to be worth some extra cash

I'll start a home shopping cable TV show
With memorabilia that's priced to go
Antique weapons built for the pros
And hard-to-find retromodern clothes….

And soon another heroine will slap my face 'cause I tried to steal a kiss
Soon another hero will raid the place and say I'll never get away with this
And soon a new invasion will begin with a shiny new battle fleet
Before the galaxy realizes I'm back my victory will be complete

I've got a brand new skull cap with a widow's peak
It covers my hairline and it looks so chic
How could I fail against a world so meek
To find out, you'll have to tune in next week….

Over the top, ruling in style
Challenge and adventure that will last awhile
My menacing laugh and my nasty smile
Don't dare miss the show and don't touch that dial (3x)

Don't you dare miss the show and don't touch that dial (2x)

 

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