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The Ballad of Jek Porkins

Words: © 2002 by Tom Smith
Music: "The Ballad of Jed Clampett" by Paul Henning
This would be your basic ludicrous instafilk indulgence. See, GameSpy has a weekly poll, strictly for fun, called the GameSpy Grudge. One week, they set the Terminator against Jek Porkins, Red Six, the obligatory fat guy in the original Star Wars (played by the late William Hootkins, who also played Eckhardt, the crooked detective Jack Nicholson popped in the steamworks in Batman, and one of the government guys in Raiders of the Lost Ark ["Top. Men."]). Surprisingly, with an amazing outcry of fanboys, Porkins won. After that, it just got sillier and sillier, and here was my contribution. I never expect to sing it in public, but it was fun to write. Oh, and, yes, Mr. Hootkins's fans do indeed refer to themselves as Porkinites.

Come an' listen to my story 'bout a man named Jek,
Poor scraggly beard barely covered up his neck,
Then one day he was shootin' the Empire,
And, up from the Death Star, a column of fire.

Laser fire, that is.
Hot Death.
Imperial Justice.

Well, the next thing you know, ol' Jek's a ball of flame,
With all of the fanboys rememberin' his name,
Said, "GameSpy Grudge is the place you oughta be,
Takin' on the Terminator as a human fricasee."

Flambe, that is.
Long Pig.
Fat's in the fire.

Well, the votes started comin' in, and all the whiny fans
Bellowed from their basements "Schwarzeneggar is The Man!"
But then all the Porkinites started in to squawk,
And their boy Jek won the battle in a walk.

Cake walk, that is.
Extra frosting.
Don't forget the Häagen-Dazs.

Well, now we'd like to thank you folks for all supportin' Jek,
Instead of Terminator (that third film sure was a wreck).
You're all invited back next week to vote at GameSpy Grudge,
When "Heapin' Helpin'" Porkins takes on "Wildman" Matt Drudge.

Web battles, that is.
Republic hero.
Republican psycho.
Y'all combat now, y'hear?

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