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The Ballad of Rupert

Words and Music: © 2003 by Tom Smith
A long time ago, when I was young and thin and hot, my Mom destroyed two Frank N. Furter costumes I made for myself. It being the late 70s, I suppose I understand that her son, decked out in bodice and fishnets and bellowing "I'm just a SWEET... TRANS... VES-TITE!" was not exactly in Dr. Spock's Baby Book. That's as close as I've ever gotten to that particular fetish, but it seemed reasonable for this song. Oh, and, For The Record: I have only seen one episode of Survivor, and I saw it about a year after I wrote this song. So, no, it's not that Rupert.

In a faraway land lived a hero so grand
He was lauded in story and song.
All the people would sigh when he came riding by,
They applauded Sir Rupert the Strong

But deep in his soul, a desire took its toll,
Causing such anguish, heartache, and hurt:
"Something in me believes I should take off my greaves,
I'd be much more demure in a skirt."

Three cheers for Rupert the Swishy,
Hip Hip Hooray and Huzzah!
For fame he was fated the day that he traded
His chainmail shirt for a bra.

"I've slain dragons galore, I no longer keep score,
Saved more maidens than I knew existed,
But all of my fame couldn't salvage my name
If the people knew I was this twisted.

"Yet there's something refined in a plunging neckline
And a hem that goes just down to there,
Fancy gloves, fancy shawl, and a cute parasol --
Why not? Those who love me won't care!"


So Rupert discarded the armor that guarded
His vitals from monster and man.
His sword and his mace paid for linen and lace,
For a fight, all he had was a fan.

But he moved rather well in that fetching pastel,
And he loved how it swirled 'round his thighs,
He was all manly thews down to those spike-heel shoes,
And the townsfolk just stared in surprise.

"What's up with Rupert the Swishy?
Did he lose some kind of bet?
Once armored and bladed, now festive, brocaded,
And possibly no longer het."

As he walked down the street, Rupe could feel the heat
From the onlookers burning with shame,
How dare that their hero like THIS should appear! O
Disgrace! O Despair! Who's to blame?

Rupert tried to ignore, but now he felt unsure --
Was this all just a monstrous whim?
When a young lad ahead looked at Rupert and said,
"Sir... I like that. It makes you look slim!"


So now wearing with pride what he once hid inside
He's still known as Sir Rupert the Strong,
Strong enough to stick tight to what he knew was right,
Though others may think he was wrong.

And you, who might feel something so strong and real
That you think it might burst out your chest
Just be true to your soul, you can make yourself whole --
And be sure your sword matches your dress.


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