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Words and Music: © 2001 by Tom Smith
This is the result from the first Great Songwriting Survey we had on this site. The chosen Musical Style was Irish Drinking Song, and the words to be used thematically were bagpipe, vaccination, goblet, and camouflage. It got really interesting after I thought the thing was done, and I suddenly realized I'd completely screwed up the politics, symbolism, and everything else. I think at this point it's at least factually plausible, but if somebody gets offended... well, it won't be the first time.

In the little town of Belfast, you won't believe your eyes,
There's a band of troubleshooters, and masters of disguise.
The heroes of the last resort, whenever danger comes,
'Cause no one would suspect 'em, with all those pipes and drums.

Here's to the boys of Belfast, the Orangemen in Green,
The loudest form of camouflage the world has ever seen.
The greatest spies in Ireland, a credit to the Sod,
The Belfast Bagpipe Bodhran Band and Undercover Squad.

There's Captain Willie Blowitt, and Hard Cheeks Hanrahan.
And Crazy Harry Krishna is the demolitions man.
There's Jimmy O'Toole, and Kaype McCool, and a hundred others proud,
Each sworn to Queen and Country, and to getting drunk and loud.

Today I'll tell about the time that four of them fell ill.
'Twas only measles, but the lads are into overkill.
And so began their quest to find the cure for every ail,
They'd follow Monty Python's path and seek the Holy Grail.


They searched the rocks of Stonehenge, and Glastonbury Tor,
They banged on every window, they knocked on every door,
But nowhere could they find it, it seemed there was no hope,
Until they saw it on TV -- being drunk from by the Pope!

They showed up at the Vatican and then began to play.
They marched right in, while puzzled priests just got out of their way.
They found John Paul playing racquetball, and said "How do you do",
And Jimmy snuck off while the rest did "O Donnell Abu".

(to the tune of "O Donnell Abu")
Proudly the note on the trumpet is sounding,
Proudly the war cries arise on the gale,
It's Jimmy O'Toole that the guards are surrounding,
But he used Bagpipe Fu and escaped with the Grail!

They soon returned to Ireland, where their friends were measled out,
But a gargle from the Grail made them jump up, dance, and shout,
Not only did it cure them, so thorough and so quick,
It fixed 'em so no other germ could ever make 'em sick.

(you can probably figure out this tune)
It was vaccination....

And so they had retrieved the Holy Grail and saved their friends,
I hope this song was not too long, and this is where it ends,
Except our Belfast boys took on the job and didn't bobble it...
And Long Live the Queen Mother!
"-- Yeah, as long as she drinks from that goblet."


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