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Be Our G.O.H.

Words: © 1992 by Tom Smith, after Howard Ashman
Music: "Be Our Guest" by Alan Menken
I've been doubly blessed by my notoriety in fandom: I've been invited to be a Guest Of Honor at many fine conventions, and none of the things in this song has ever happened to me.

Ah, good evening, monsieur (or mademoiselle, or Madame)!
It is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure
That we welcome you here this weekend.
And now, we invite you to relax, pull up a chair,
As the Con Committee presents:
The Big Lie.

Be... our... GOH, be our GOH,
Howdy! Welcome to our show!
Won't you tell us how your journey went?
We'd really like to know.
... Smoking? Coach? Luggage smashed?
Well, at least you didn't crash.
There's no limousines or chauffeurs,
But we'll send one of the gofers.

They can drive, they can sweat --
Almost half can spell, I bet --
And in Fandom no one ever travels slow,
So every crunch and screech will end up in your speech
When you're our GOH,
Thank you so,
Be our GOH.

Here's your room, here's your key,
Here's your schedule: as you see,
We've got twenty different panels here,
And you're on twenty-three.
It's okay, don't be scared,
For this crisis we've prepared,
We'll divert all of the Trekkies
To the local burned-out Stuckey's.

Here's your chair, here's your plaque,
Here's a gun if you're attacked,
They're expecting David Brin or Lo Bujold,
But neither one could show -- besides, your rates were lower
As a GOH --
Feeling low?
Here's a double case of Stroh,
Be our GOH,
Be our GOH,
Be our GOH.

Life is filled with tension
When you're chairing a convention,
There's no hole where you can crawl and drag it shut,
Ah, those good old days when I was rested,
Gainfully employed, not in this rut.

Ten years now I've sponged off it,
Never saw one dime of profit,
Though I sold pre-reg at five times one-day-price,
Subsisting on beer and beefaroni,
Made fun of in LOCUS --
You accept, and hocus-pocus!

It's a GOH, it's a GOH,
Hay-sus Kristay, Holey Moe!
It's a real published writer
Who makes lots and lots of dough.
Hi there, pal, hey there, friend,
Are you busy this weekend?
I'm surprised that you forget me,
You were plastered when you met me.

Here's a book to critique,
It should only take a week,
I'm a genius but I hope you'll tell me so.
So I'm devoid of talent -- still, it is a gallant
Effort, though...?
Please say so!

Be our GOH, be our GOH,
You're our very favorite pro,
There's so many that we wanted,
You're the only one we know.
See the nerds on parade,
Judge our lousy masquerade;
Now, exhausted and with blank wit...
Let's get ready for the banquet!

Plastic pork, tungsten fish,
Bounce potatoes off the dish,
Then the filkers shake the walls till dawn or so,
Get kicked out on your ear --
Won't you come back next year?
We won't have dough,
Or folks you know,
But even so, please,
Be... our... GOH!

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