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Cooking For 93

Words and Music: © 2008 by Tom Smith
Just in time for the holidays, it's everything you loathe about the holidays. This really isn't modeled after my family, or anybody's family. No, really.
... What...?

It's that time when we're s'posed to be thankful for those things the year has brought so far,
So I thank my ex for the restraining order, Yukon Jack for my totaled car,
Thanks to all of my bosses for cutting their losses, I ain't got no income left,
But for one shining moment I'll be king at home, and my family's Iron Chef.

'Cause it's
Thanksgiving Day and they've all come to stay for a meal and the game on TV,
Gotta carve up the giblets and boil up the niblets, I'm cooking for 93.

There's my brother I hate and my sis who can't wait till our rich uncle finally dies,
There are nieces and nephews and more human refuse, and one aunt who always cries,
There are names that sound funny, they all owe me money, and they hug like badly-dressed squids,
There are three or four dozens of twice-removed cousins and they all of 'em brought their kids.

And it's
stuffing and brining and huffing and whining and is there enough for me?
No meat loaf or aspic, tryptophan fantastic, I'm cooking for 93

Sweet potatoes, under gallons of marshmallow creme,
Football pathos, Lions fans have a certain scream,
Beets and cranberries, only eaten one day a year,
Two guys named Larry I don't know but they've drunk all the beer.

We've devoured twelve birds and I don't have the words for the carnage this mob has wrought,
That's my last pumpkin pie, if you touch it you die, and I swear that I won't get caught,
As they file out the door, they all leave their own spoor, grabbing leftovers, mumbling thanks,
Anyone volunteer to take over next year? Yeah, I thought not, you rotten skanks.

My family hates me, I hate my family, and believe me, it works out great,
No exchange of good wishes, hell, no help with the dishes, and I charge twenty dollars a plate,
And I'll probably do this till I'm old and toothless, unless I can grow a spine,
And a few of my cousins have buns in the oven, I'll be cooking for ninety-nine....

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