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Curmudgeon's Son

Words: © 1986 by Tom Smith
Music: "Johnny Be Fair" by Buffy Saint-Marie
The original song is a spiffy pseudo-Irish ballad, about a young woman whose father turns down all her prospective suitors because they're related ("I hate to tell you, daughter, what your mother never knew / But Billy, too, is a son of mine, and so is kin to you"). I'm very pleased my dad is amused by the song, because he isn't the jerkface in it, and I really wasn't trying to knock him -- it was just the structure of the song. One of these days, I really should update it.

Jenny be fair, and Jenny be fine, and wants me for to wed,
And I would marry Jenny, but my father up and said,
"I hate to tell you something, son, you maybe never knew,
But Jenny's voted Democrat since Nineteen-Eighty-Two."

Well, Julie be fair, and Julie be fine, and wants me for to wed,
And I would marry Julie, but my father up and said,
"Now listen, boy, a girl's a toy for cold and lonely nights,
And Julie's worked the last decade for womens' equal rights."

Well, Mary is fair, and Mary is fine, and wants to marry me,
But Father said, "You're out of your head, she's not the girl for thee,
She works in an abortion clinic, lives with pain and strife,
And might get blown to smithereens one night by Right to Life."

Well, Rachel is cute, and thinks of me as husband-on-the-hoof,
But when my father heard of it, he up and hit the roof:
"How can you think to marry her? My God, the girl's a Jew!"
I didn't mention Stephanie, who's pagan through and through.

Fine! Gail is cute, and Gail is tough, and wants to be my pal.
But Dad said, "Marry her if you must, but don't befriend a gal!"
I tried to tell him Gail does not want to marry me,
But Gail told him better than I -- best two falls out of three.

Well, every time a woman seems to be the one for me,
My father blows it all to Hell with his philosophy,
But I prefer my lady friends, and they have much more class,
So I'll have an affair with whomever I care, and Dad can kiss my ass.

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