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Dammit, They're Felt and Legumes

Words: © 1998 by Tom Smith
Music: "Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini" by Vance and Pockriss
Another introduction way longer than the song. Sigh.
Stamps. Baseball cards. Commemorative plates. I used to work in a comic book store, so I know exactly how collectible most things aren't. But damn if the "lucrative collector's market" doesn't have a stranglehold and the hearts, minds, and pocketbooks of America. We've been conditioned to Need The Entire Set, and unscrupulous manufacturers of pre-fab shit take full advantage of it.
To my mind, one of the biggest offenders has been Ty, Inc., and their stupid, blank-eyed, useless stuffed toys. Children starve, old people freeze, Jerry Lewis grovels every Labor Day, while morons who have nothing better to do with THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS buy grotesque and disquieting little dolls, for no apparent purposes other than having them or selling them. And Ty really perfected the marketing of the limited edition. "Hey! You don't need this, but we're only making a few". "Only a FEW!? GIMME!!"
Some years back, McDonald's cleaned up in a cross-promotion with the damn things. I wrote this song for the moment, expecting it never to be heard again. But every year since, Mickey D's has had a new promotion with Ty, including the One Day Only Liberty Bear, where they told America it was patriotic to buy some Arterial SpackleT with Cheese and an ugly freakin' stuffed bear, but they can only do it for one day! Damn, I'm sure I was out of town that day. Ah well. If they keep this up, this song might actually become a Summer Tradition, like, oh, the release of new baseball cards.

(... Two, three, four, get 'em at your local store!)

Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, ba-domp-pom-pom-pom-pomp.

She was at lunch, and she went to McDonald's,
To get a nice Quarter Pounder with Cheese,
But as she stood in the line at McDonald's,
A mob of moms chopped her off at the knees.
(Two, three, four, feel the rumble, hear the roar!)

They... were... all...
Frothing at the mouth with rabies, wanting teeny Beanie Babies,
That were sold with each kid's Happy Meal,
So many colors, lotsa shape-ies, eeny meeny Beanie Babies,
And soon her toes she once more could feel.
(Two, three, four, help the woman off the floor!)

Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, ba-domp-pom-pom-pom-pomp.

So, if you like to have lunch at McDonald's,
Order early, by phone or by fax,
Or else the army of cute toy collectors
Will stomp a path over your broken backs.
(Two, three, four, of course you know that this means war!)

Your... jaw... will...
Drop in disbelief the way these people hunt down Beanie Babies,
Going postal for things with no use.
I guess we should be glad, 'cause maybe next time they'll be BARNEY Babies,
Or maybe Cabbage Patch Couscous!

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