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Duct Tape Diva

Words: © 2002 by Tom Smith
Music: "Junk Food Junkie" by Larry Groce
Kit and Josef Matulich are some of the best costumers in fandom, and they do marvelous, elaborate work, especially with period pieces such a Medieval, Renaissance, Elizabethan, and Victorian. But they also do reeeal quickies when necessary, and in fact Kit has become quite expert with that universal problem solver, duct tape. I got the idea for this song at MillenniCon 2002, and had it ready by MarCon. Kit & Josef loved it, which gladdens my heart, and Kit gave me a big smooch, which... well, never mind.

You know I love those ornate costumes, I always add on more,
And they call me Elaborata on down at the fabric store.
I only use handmade needles to create authentic garb,
And my friends is always begging me to sew 'em a classic Medieval barb.
Yes, they are.

Oh, but at night I take out my strongbox, that I keep under lock and key,
And I shlep it off to my workroom, where nobody else can see.
I lift that lid so slowly, take a peek both up and down,
Then I pull out a big fat roll of tape, in ten minutes I've got a gown!

Yeah, in the daytime I'm Ms. Historical,
As authentic as I can be,
But at night I'm a Duct Tape Diva,
And no one's faster than me.

Well, at the Ren Fair you can always find me at Ye Olde Bodice Shoppe,
Just pinching in a waist with perfect taste, and pushing up someone's top.
I use rich Corinthian leather, all my boning uses real bones,
My genetically altered silkworms produce silk in waterproof tones,
Yes, they do.

Ah, but when I hit a deadline, and I need a cape or cravat,
A shirt or a shawl, I can fake 'em all in thirteen seconds flat,
I can make for them the perfect hem, camouflaged with silver studs,
Then I take my payment for instant raiment they think are medieval duds.

In the daytime I'm Ms. Historical,
As authentic as I can be
But at night I'm a Duct Tape Diva,
Good Lord, how cheap can I be?

My friends down at the Costume Shop, they think that I'm first-rate,
I know everything about arts and crafts, and my workshop rates are great
I can put in a call to Carol Duvall, Tom Savini holds for me,
And I'm working on liquid metal to do Terminator 3.
Yes, I am.

Oh, but, folks, lately I have been thinking maybe I should change my ways...
Nah! I got the best of both worlds, and, I gotta say, it pays.
I'm a friend to Trisha Biggar, James Acheson and Animal X,
I'm the anti-Martha Stewart, and I bet I get more sex.

In the daytime I'm Ms. Historical,
As authentic as I can be,
And at night I'm a Duct Tape Diva,
Oh, Lord, it's all sticking to me.

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