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Garlic Is For Lovers

Words and Music © 2008 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike License
There are two kinds of people: those who love garlic in all its permutations, and stinking vampi- ahem, those who don't. I'm in the former camp. So has every woman I have ever been involved with, usually at the oozing-out-the-pores level. This song was originally released just in time for Sweetest Day, the most noxious made-up-for-marketing holiday in existence, and documents how you know when it's TRUE love.

(to be sung with the best/worst Italian accent you can muster)

Hey there, all you fellows
Who don't understand romance,
All that money you spend, like you're buying a friend
With candy and dead plants,
With jewelry and chocolate, you're gonna be broke a lot
Even with a cash advance,
So let me explain how you use your brain
To dance the mating dance.

You invite her over to your house,
For a quiet dinner for two,
You make a big plate o' fettucini alfredo
Or maybe beef ragu,
She gets one whiff of that, and you know where it's at,
Whether she's the girl for you,
She'll say, "Ho! That reeks!" -- or else, "Hm - add more leeks,
And a bulb that's roasted through."

Garlic is for lovers,
That's what a man adores,
She's nice and sweet: The girl who eats
Till it's oozing out her pores.
In etoufee or creme brulee,
In Twinkees or S'Mores,
Garlic is for lovers,
I've got mine -- have you got yours?

Garlic is for sweethearts,
That's what the angels sing,
So you don't look stupid when that meshuggenah Cupid
Makes you give her a ring.
If garlic-breath kisses don't chase her off, this is
No doubt the real thing,
Garlic is for lovers,
Like onions in the spring.

Some people think it's a bad thing,
Some people think it's not nice,
Some people think that garlic, she stink,
They want some other wimpy spice.
But nutmeg and cinnamon's for cookies,
Paprika and saffron's for stew,
Cayenne and cumin's for ordinary humans, but
Garlic's for me and you.

Garlic is for lovers,
Sharing a warm embrace,
That's why I brought a fresh-made bagna cauda
And veal demi-glace.
If you might get crampy when I get Shrimp Scampi,
Keep back at least ten pace,
Garlic is for lovers
Who get really kissy-face.
Garlic is for lovers
Who don't need breathing space.

(Alternate last lines:)
Garlic is for lovers
With no issues 'bout personal space.
Garlic is for lovers,
Who love right up in your face.

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