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Get Your Asses In Here

Words and Music: © 2001 by Tom Smith
This silliness, written at GAFilk, is not really a diatribe against the people who insist on carrying on loud conversations just outside -- or inside -- a filkroom... or a concert. No, really. Especially not against the wonderful people at GAFilk, who were actually too polite for the song to be as funny as I wanted it to be. It also is not sung to the waltz melody of the Whose Line Is It Anyway? game "Irish Drinking Song". No matter how hard it tries to be.

I thank you all for coming, I'll thank you if you stay,
And if you'd like to hear a song, I've got a song to play,
But first we've got some business, before we get to fun,
'Cause some folks haven't noticed that the concert has begun.

Why are all of you out there, standing in the hall?
You think that we can't hear you, just 'cause there's a wall?
'Cause if you feel the need for intellectual debate,
You shouldn'ta come to a concert, you're making us all wait!

Get your asses in here, and plunk 'em in your seats,
You'll learn a couple verses and a chorus that repeats,
You may be wounded, or restored, but goodness knows you won't be bored,
Whenever life has got you down, a song is just the thing,
So get your asses in here, you're gonna have to sing.

When Mother rang the dinner bell, to summon all our brood,
She couldn't understand why we were late for getting food,
She'd always lose her patience as the gravy would congeal,
And bellow out the sentence from which there's no appeal.


Confronted by professors for our very last exam,
No matter how the term had gone, last minute, we'd all cram.
We'd stagger in, sustained by our board-stiff clothes and beer,
To only hear the prof say, "Too late! See you next year. -- Kidding!"


So, I don't mind your pithy banter or your repartee,
Whatever it is you're on about's more interesting than me,
Your time is very valuable, so, quickly, here's the facts:
You've already bought your tickets -- I can sit back and relax!


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