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I Wanna Be A Reducer

Words © 2004 by Tom Smith
Music: "I Wanna Be A Producer" by Mel Brooks
Ohhh, THIS is gonna get MIDI'd up and slapped onto this site. I wrote this in something like twenty minutes -- when the idea hit, it just cascaded out. In a lot of ways, this is my attempt to out-Ookla Ookla the Mok, and Rand and Adam agree that they're probably the only ones who get all the jokes. I'll annotate it soon, if people really get lost.

(Mad science, mad science, ver-r-ry mad science,
Mad science, mad science,
Very, very, very, very very very mad science.)

Oh, I research all de moah-nin',
An' I research ev'ry evenin',
Until dat data be right!
(Until dat data be right!)

I spend my life combining this dull DNA,
For some other life I'm pining -- I'm whining, okay?
I have this mad desire, burning deep in my soul,
Of being not very much higher than a chipmunk or a vo-ole...

I wanna be a Reducer, I wanna be just three inches high,
I wanna be a Reducer, look way up and see your thigh.
I wanna be a Reducer, it's my fate to get that small,
I wanna be a Reducer, losing weight, not to mention tall.

I wanna be a Reducer, see the world from a cockroach-eye view,
I wanna walk under every sheep, and say, "Ewe, ewe, ewe... not ewe".
I'll go on a Fantastic Voyage, with Raquel Welch dressed in white,
I wanna be a Reducer, and wear some ugly superhero tights.

(He wants to be a Reducer, such a fella you've not seen,
Janet Van Dyne's new seducer, plus Jarella, cute and green,
He wants to be a Reducer, go ahead, Ray Palmer, rant
["Hey! Wait! That's -- how'd -- you -- ARGH!"],
He wants to be a Reducer, up and at 'em, Atom can't.)

I wanna be (he wants to be), I wanna be (he wants to be),
I wanna be the man Scott Carey could've been, without the spider and the cat!

(He wants to be a Reducer, and revolutionize table top sports),
I just gotta be a Reducer, Henry Pym can eat my shorts!
I wanna be a Reducer, it'll set my spirit free,
I want my eyebrows right at Bryant's high-tops,
Change my name to Doctor Cyclops,
I wanna be a Reducer --
'Cause a Reducer is a bigger man than me.
(Mad science, mad science, mad science,
Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very... mad.)

I wanna be a Reducer....

Wait a minute! Doctor Cyclops!? That's it! I've had it all backwards! I thought making myself small would make me big! But I'm already big! It's everyone ELSE who has to be small!

Dr. Forrester, I've got news for you -- I QUIT! Here's my slide rule... my flourescent green vinyl lab coat... my agonizer... and my big finish!

I'm gonna be a Reducer, there's a whole new world to find,
I'll call myself... Doctor Shrinker! I'm a madman with an evil mind!

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