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Mucoidal Periodontia

Words: © 1992 by Tom Smith
Music: "Rhinotelleximania" by Michael Longcor
At MarCon 1992, I cemented two reputations. The first was done indirectly: Michael "Moonwolf" Longcor premiered a new song which he said was inspired by a challenge from a "friend" to the effect of, "You're good, Wolf, but you're just not as twisted as Tom Smith". Well, sir, it was a pretty amusing little grotesquerie. And the chording was simple yet effective, and I started playing along with it while he sang. E, A, G.... He finished the song, and I grabbed a pen and paper and went out into the hall. When I came back, I had this parody, and the crowd was gaping at me as if I'd done something impressive and important. Somebody said something like, "Oh my God, only fourteen minutes", and suddenly I was The World's Fastest Filker. Gee. Should I mention how much of that fourteen minutes was spent flirting with Mary Ellen Wessels?

There's a lot of filthy habits,
Lotsa things to gross folks out,
You can talk about your jaundice,
Your malaria or gout.

You can bring up your bulimia,
And abdominal gas as well,
But Moonwolf talks about a subject
That he knows so well.

Is a monster Latin phrase,
It means digging with your finger
In a hole that's in your face.

But Wolfie didn't tell it all,
The rest is really sick --
Mucoidal Periodontia...
That's eating what you pick.

Little children always do it,
Just to get at Mom and Dad,
If you tell 'em it's disgusting,
That's a license to be bad.

But the trick is to outgrow it,
Well before you are a teen,
Try explaining to your dentist
Why your braces are so green.

Mucoidal Periodontia
Isn't seen in TV Land,
Mr. Cosby doesn't do it,
But I wonder 'bout Rosanne.

At the filksing, I don't always do
The nicest things I should,
But Mucoidal Periodontia...
Don't take what don't belong to ya...
Mucoidal Periodontia...
Yes, it's finger-pickin' good.

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