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Mythical Frederick

Words and Music © 2006 by Tom Smith
Released under a Creative Commons Noncommercial ShareAlike license
I get buttloads of spam. And I have to check everything, because occasionally something I need gets tagged and dumped into the Bulk folder. It doesn't help that spam generators have gotten weird over the past several months: in ever-more-sophisticated attempts to bypass filters, they've taken to everything from overly sincere exhortations that the writer truly believes there is no better deal available online, to excerpts from poetry or works of fiction, to Strangeass Q. Sendernames, to simple random phrases.

Well, one day something came through with the subject line, "mythical Frederick". I grinned and sang to myself, "Mythical Frederick doesn't exist -- that's why he's got me so bloody pissed", and suddenly realized I was about to write a Beatles pastiche.

Mythical Frederick doesn't exist.
That's why he's got me so bloody pissed.
Clogged up the drain of my shower with hair,
I can't complain 'cause Frederick's not there.

Mythical Frederick ate all the jam,
Bought the wrong bread and bought the wrong ham.
I get so mad when things don't go right,
'Cause Mythical Frederick's nowhere in sight.

Frederick locked my keys in my car,
Got me in fights with toughs at the bar,
You've no idea what trouble I'm in,
From my imaginary evil twin.

Mythical Frederick skimps when he tips,
He kissed the vicar full on the lips,
I can't explain 'cause no one can see
Mythical Frederick did it, not me.

People believe in Santa, it's true,
The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy too
Kids make up friends, so why can't you see
I've got a made-up arch-enemy?

Frederick got me fired from my job,
Brainwashed my girl to think I'm a slob,
I'll go insane 'cause Frederick, the louse,
Cancelled the payments on my phone and house.

Out in the street, half-froze in the snow,
One act of vengeance before I go
I'll do him in, but he won't be missed,
Mythical Frederick doesn't exist.

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