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Singled Out

Words: © 1997 by Tom Smith, after David Zippel
Music: "Go the Distance (Single)" by Alan Menken
Disney has had some really great musicals over the last fifteen years or so. Unfortunately, the best of them (Beauty And The Beast, The Little Mermaid, Aladdin) are so very much better than the worst (Pocahontas) that it's painful. And, since the title song from Beauty And The Beast, they've all had "the hit single", a ballad which kinda relates to the movie, but which really relates to the Easy Listening radio market, often a love song or meaningfully inspirational ditty, and sung by some slightly defunct pop star over the end credits. "A Whole New World", "Can You Feel The Love Tonight", "God Help The Outcasts", "Reflections" -- some are better than others, but it's funny how few of them are actually any good. Truth to tell, I really like the original of this one -- if I didn't, I wouldn't parody it, them's kinda the rules -- but Michael freakin' Bolton's desperate attempt to pass off his angst-ridden nearly-on-key gravelly howling as a musical performance can bring out the lemming in us all.

In the soundtrack of
Disney films each year,
There are songs that fill a need,
They touch our hearts.

There are songs of love,
Songs that bring us cheer,
And then one designed with greed
To top the charts.

It's the Disney smash,
It can go the distance,
It's a piece of trash,
That plays for far too long.

I know every flick,
One tune makes me sick...
When you go to Disney films,
One song will not belong.

Ariel went above,
Got away unscathed,
But the Beast and Belle
Are doomed to elevators.

Can you feel the love?
Or are you the Great Unbathed?
It's Muzak Hell,
Feed me to gators,

Before making me
Hear the latest Disney,
All that they can see
Are dollars in the till

Every song that's vague,
Makes a stronger plague,
Until every critic
Who won't go along... falls ill.

I thought Vanessa's Wind
Was as bad as it could get,
But Hercules shows
We ain't heard nothin' yet.

I will hurl this disk,
I will go for distance,
I'll take any risk,
By plane or train or boat.

Till I find Mike Bolton,
And I'll go the distance
That it takes to shove this single
Sideways down his throat.

When you thought it done,
The song extends its distance,
Turn around and run,
These records will not end.

They get in your brain,
They live past your pain,
Until even It's A Small World
Sounds like Beethoven.

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