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Words and Music: © 1998 by Tom Smith
Music: "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks
For those of you who've been living in a cave for the past ten years or so, this song is about the Comedy Central cartoon South Park (and, if you've got the stomach for a lot of swearing and cartoony gore, the movie South Park: Bigger, Longer, And Uncut is, no lie, stupendous, insanely funny and one of the best musicals of the past twenty years). Chris Clayton said it best (in fact, you can hear him saying it on the recording on Debasement Tapes): "The sad thing is, you avoided all the controversial parts."

I hate the world today,
'Cause it's jealous of me, I guess that's okay,
But if you make fun of me because my mother is my father underneath,
I'll bust out your teeth.

Yesterday I cried,
For the eighty-seventh time, ol' Kenny died.
How he keeps on coming back's a mystery, better him than me,
As l long as I get what I want, then everything is fine --

Son of a bitch, I am Cartman, and I am a work of art,
Give me Cheezy Poofs galore, I am BEEFCAKE, hear me roar!
I'm a child of the Nineties, I'll kick your little hinies,
And I wouldn't want it any other way.

So take me as I am,
Hunting with Jimbo, who's got guns from Vietnam,
Having parties with stuffed animals for tea, meeting Kathie Lee,
The Jesus-Satan pay-per-view, best two falls out of three --

Son of a bitch, I am Cartman, and you don't want me to fart,
'Cause the Aliens disrobed me, strapped me down and probed me,
Keep your dog far away, he's homosexual and gay,
And I don't like how he's looking right at me.

Son of a bitch, where's my cheese, no, I've never seen my knees,
But I know that I am buff -- BEEFCAAAAAKE!
I'm a man, I'm a myth, I'm a short fat Doctor Smith,
You know you wouldn't want it any other way.

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